Unaddressed love letters

Ikue Asazaki – Obokuri-Eeumi

Welcome. I’m looking for love; finding it is the only purpose of this site. Herein, I’ll expose nearly my entire mind and life, hoping my future partner finds me.

Unfortunately, for my chances of finding a love withwhom I cherish every moment, I possess extremely unpopular perspectives and mannerisms. Those perspectives will be explained in a tame, refined, and orderly way – to prevent the common misinterpretations, fomented by my uncommon mannerisms.

I hope that the objectivity, in my bleak perspectives, will display my irrefutable concern for fairness and equality – a concern that, very few people, can immediately associate with my mannerisms. I’ve merely seen enough of life, to know that courtesy and whimsy, need be stabled in the real world.

Imperious, sarcastically condescending, brutally honest, profusely obscene, and mischievous, are some of the mannerisms which I’ve found practical. Many people would refute their utility. But then, many people have lived sheltered lives, and consider the minor inconveniences which constitute their problems, to be tragic.

I’ve not had that luxury. Presumably, hardluck has nurtured grit, integrity, and the mythical “wisdom” in me – traits which I’ve found extremely, and depressingly, rare in the majority of humanity. That, or I’m a megalomaniac. In either case, my chances of finding love seem slim. Therefore, though transparently exposing myself is terribly terrifying – whatever it takes for love.

The site remains unfinished, though sufficient core content is present. Immediately following is a section displaying the foundation of my personal philosophy. After that, a quick outline of my personality and history.

Of special note is the Let’s Play [With My Heart] section, which is essentially a webcam copy of the blog, with me “stream of conscious” rambling while playing Dota 2.

–

• Section 2; Paradigm Primer

I know nothing.

All my thoughts are generated by my brain. All my actions are guided by my thoughts. I don’t know how my brain works. Therefore, I don’t understand my thoughts. Therefore, I can’t be certain of their accuracy, or success in the actions they guide. Even that line of reasoning, and this very sentence, falls under that rule.

What do I do, if my self-ignorance compromises every thought and action? I could turn to the scientific disciplines that explain the brain. But those disciplines remain incomplete. And to complete them, there would be another, far larger problem.

My understanding of the brain can’t be completed, without knowing all the laws which define the universe. Otherwise, the axioms I currently base my brain-research on, could be disproven by newly discovered laws. Therefore invalidating my research.*

So, to be certain of success in any action, I’d have to understand all the laws which define the universe. Can the human mind contain that knowledge? And could we even gather it in one lifetime, if humanity has yet to do so over millennia?

Therefore, I’ll probably never be able to prove anything – even with thoroughly sound empirical study. I might be right about allot of things, but probably never certain. And thus everything in my life, at any moment, can fall apart due to unknown factors.

I do my best to understand and control my life. But even with the greatest caution, I’m still ultimately helpless. And I accept that. I attempt to build an empirical understanding of reality, and from that, determine my actions. But there’s another choice, that most people prefer.

Whether through conscious choice, or subconscious impulse, the majority of people prefer self-deception over facing how helpless we are. Why? Well, it’s terrifying. That fear can paralyze us, or push us to furious aggression. Both states are detrimental to survival.

Because control of our emotions is so difficult, our minds instinctively repress awareness of our situation – to avoid uncontrollable emotions. But, like covering up one lie with more lies, self-deception requires more and more self-deception.

As the delusions become larger, they become harder to cover up. Eventually, to maintain the delusions, the mind begins to, also, repress the act of thought itself. To repress thought, is to deny ourselves, our main tool for survival.

This makes the deluded less and less capable of surviving. That makes them more and more helpless. Which makes them in greater need of self-deception, which requires further repression of thought. A downward spiral, leading to insentience.

I theorize that this pattern of behavior is not only common, but overwhelmingly dominate in humanity – now, and throughout history. This perspective is the bedrock of all my perceptions of the human mind, and thus of humanity.

However. There is another possible response to our helplessness: metacognition; rational and conscious self-understanding and self-control. I see it as nothing but a skillset, an empirical collection of information that is enacted as one would move a limb.

Through metacognition, control the fear – not avoid it. Bypass the entire self-deception pattern, and you can develop deeper understanding, and control of yourself. Then, try to be happy while enduring life’s bullshit.

I think, through years of practice and a life demanding it, I’ve developed this ability. That, in combination with my philosophy, is why I doubt I’ll ever find a mate through standard means. And thus, this blog. Fuck my life.

*Taking that line of reasoning to the extreme – perhaps the laws, which define the universe, are merely temporary. Perhaps they, at inconsistent intervals, randomly rearrange into nonrepeating patterns that in no-way resemble former patterns.

–

• Section 3; Personality / History Primer

I’ve lived a varied life: I was seriously abused, aswellas lovingly nurtured and spoiled; I’ve spent years euphorically, and years chained by mental disorder; I’ve worked jobs that would literally kill people being paid hundreds-of-times more, and spent my freetime in “nerdy” entertainment.

I’ve primarily been alone, but invariably become the defacto leader in my jobs and social circles. I’ve been softened by familial love and immersion in art, and hardened by living among the treacherous and base. I’ve been the hero, victim, and villain of my lifestory. All of it deepened my integrity – or megalomania?

These days, having an 8-year run of bad luck, and having recently separated from someone whom I thought would be the love of my life.. I’m rethinking my life. This blog exists because I lost them; both because I’m still looking for love, and because I -finally- accepted the need for ridiculously extreme caution before giving my heart away.

Though I always garner respect, my traits and perspectives have most often isolated me – thus my challenges with love. Whether through being uninterested in the company offered me, or through being rejected, I remain alone. Even close family withwhom I share many traits, either misinterpret me, or do not interest me.

But now, having become a strong person, all that’s missing from my life is a mate – and the money to retire immediately. Well, I’d also like to have friends withwhom we share our lives as family, but I doubt the likelihood of finding even a mate; I prefer to avoid further disappointment.

In the past, I’ve shared life with people whom have mindsets approximate to my own, but our lives no longer intersect. Those people have, commonly, been hardened by unfortunate lives. Like myself, they are often feared for their unique and ungentle characters. Unfortunately, the fear toward me, is not generated by my few mistakes which directly influenced others.

No, the source of my isolation is not my weakness or immorality, but my strength. I’ve seen much of the uglier side of life and human nature, and am subsequently prepared for it. This requires a sophistication of personality that most people don’t understand, and are unwilling to accept.

For example: I feel obligated to discuss the flaws in people’s deepest beliefs; I see doing this as beneficial to them, even if they are discomforted by the process. Simply put: I don’t care about their discomfort, which is derived merely from the consideration of an idea; better they be a little uncomfortable, then correct their behavior.

Throughout my adulthood, I’ve been consistently surprised by the depth and intricacy of people’s immaturity and delusions. I simply didn’t understand that such behavior was possible. The influences, of my childhood, did not allow the luxury of possessing these character flaws – so I could not conceive it occurring in others.

My adolescence saw the fruition of that childhood trauma, in the form of psychologic turmoil. To overcome that, I developed a seemingly rare degree of self-awareness and control, and complexity of world-view. I always thought that, people who didn’t face those challenges, would be better than me.

I was wrong. I also thought that people would appreciate strength of character, and basic human decency. I was wrong. But maybe I’ve just been unlucky; maybe I’ve just misinterpreted society as a whole. I genuinely hope so. So here I am, looking for love, thinking I’m special. Fuck my life.

Hub Links Follow, and can be found near the top of every page.

---

Cooking

Journal

Let’s Play [With My Heart]

Metacognition

Paradigm / Philosophy

Autobiography +

Poetry

Romantic Compatibility

Movies and Shows

Tools

Video Gaming