Unaddressed Love Letters

Ikue Asazaki – Obokuri-Eeumi

Welcome. I’m looking for love; finding it is the only purpose of this site. Herein, I’ll expose nearly my entire mind and life, hoping my future partner finds me.

Unfortunately, for my chances of finding a love withwhom I cherish every moment, I possess extremely unpopular perspectives and mannerisms. Those perspectives will be explained in a tame, refined, and orderly way – to prevent the common misinterpretations, fomented by my uncommon mannerisms.

I hope that the objectivity, in my bleak perspectives, will display my irrefutable concern for fairness and equality – a concern that, very few people, can immediately associate with my mannerisms. I’ve merely seen enough of life, to know that courtesy and whimsy, need be stabled in the real world.

Imperious, sarcastically condescending, brutally honest, profusely obscene, and mischievous, are some of the mannerisms which I’ve found practical. Many people would refute their utility. But then, many people have lived sheltered lives, and consider the minor inconveniences which constitute their problems, to be tragic.

I’ve not had that luxury. Presumably, hardluck has nurtured grit, integrity, and the mythical “wisdom” in me; traits which I’ve found extremely, and depressingly, rare in the majority of humanity. That, or I’m a megalomaniac. In either case, my chances of finding love seem slim. Therefore, though transparently exposing myself is terribly terrifying – whatever it takes for love.

The site remains unfinished, though sufficient core content is present. Immediately following is a section displaying the foundation of my paradigm/personal philosophy; after that, a quick outline of my personality/history.

Of special note is the Let’s Play [With My Heart] section, which is essentially an audio copy of the blog, with me “stream of conscious” rambling while playing Dota 2 – with webcam feed throughout.

 

  • Section 2; Paradigm Primer

I know nothing.

All my thoughts are generated by my brain. All my actions are guided by my thoughts. I don’t know how my brain works. Therefore, I don’t understand my thoughts. Therefore, I can’t be certain of their accuracy, or success in the actions they guide. Even that line of reasoning, and this very sentence, falls under that rule.

What do I do, if my self-ignorance compromises every thought and action? I could turn to the scientific disciplines that explain the brain. But those disciplines remain incomplete. And to complete them, there would be another, far larger problem.

My understanding of the brain can’t be completed, without knowing all the laws which define the universe. Otherwise, the axioms I currently base my brain-research on, could be disproven by newly discovered laws. Therefore invalidating my research.*

So, to be certain of success in any action, I’d have to understand all the laws which define the universe. Can the human mind contain that knowledge? And could we even gather it in one lifetime, if humanity has yet to do so over millennia?

Therefore, I’ll probably never be able to prove anything – even with thoroughly sound empirical study. I might be right about allot of things, but probably never certain. And thus everything in my life, at any moment, can fall apart due to unknown factors.

I do my best to understand and control my life. But even with the greatest caution, I’m still ultimately helpless. And I accept that. I attempt to build an empirical understanding of reality, and from that, determine my actions. But there’s another choice, that most people prefer.

Whether through conscious choice, or subconscious impulse, the majority of people prefer self-deception over facing how helpless we are. Why? Well, it’s terrifying. That fear can paralyze us, or push us to furious aggression. Both states are detrimental to survival.

Because control of our emotions is so difficult, our minds instinctively repress awareness of our situation – to avoid uncontrollable emotions. But, like covering up one lie with more lies, self-deception requires more and more self-deception.

As the delusions become larger, they become harder to cover up. Eventually, to maintain the delusions, the mind begins to, also, repress the act of thought itself. To repress thought, is to deny ourselves, our main tool for survival.

This makes the deluded less and less capable of surviving. That makes them more and more helpless. Which makes them in greater need of self-deception, which requires further repression of thought. A downward spiral, leading to insentience.

I theorize that this pattern of behavior is not only common, but overwhelmingly dominate in humanity – now, and throughout history. This perspective is the bedrock of all my perceptions of the human mind, and thus of humanity.

However. There is another possible response to our helplessness: metacognition; rational and conscious self-understanding and self-control. I see it as nothing but a skillset, an empirical collection of information that is enacted as one would move a limb.

Through metacognition, control the fear – not avoid it. Bypass the entire self-deception pattern, and you can develop deeper understanding, and control of yourself. Then, try to be happy while enduring life’s bullshit.

I think, through years of practice and a life demanding it, I’ve developed this ability. That, in combination with my philosophy, is why I doubt I’ll ever find a mate through standard means. And thus, this blog. Fuck my life.

*Taking that line of reasoning to the extreme – perhaps the laws, which define the universe, are merely temporary. Perhaps they, at inconsistent intervals, randomly rearrange into nonrepeating patterns that in no-way resemble former patterns. 

 

  • Section 3; Personality / History Primer

I’ve lived a varied life: I was seriously abused, aswellas lovingly nurtured and spoiled; I’ve spent years euphorically, and years chained by mental disorder; I’ve worked jobs that would literally kill people being paid hundreds-of-times more, and spent my freetime in “nerdy” entertainment.

I’ve primarily been alone, but invariably become the defacto leader in my jobs and social circles. I’ve been softened by familial love and immersion in art, and hardened by living among the treacherous and base. I’ve been the hero, victim, and villain of my lifestory. All of it deepened my integrity – or megalomania?

These days, having an 8-year run of bad luck, and having recently separated from someone whom I thought would be the love of my life.. I’m rethinking my life. This blog exists because I lost them; both because I’m still looking for love, and because I -finally- accepted the need for ridiculously extreme caution before giving my heart away.

Though I always garner respect, my traits and perspectives have most often isolated me – thus my challenges with love. Whether through being uninterested in the company offered me, or through being rejected, I remain alone. Even close family withwhom I share many traits, either misinterpret me, or do not interest me.

But now, having become a strong person, all that’s missing from my life is a mate – and the money to retire immediately. Well, I’d also like to have friends withwhom we share our lives as family, but I doubt the likelihood of finding even a mate; I prefer to avoid further disappointment.

In the past, I’ve shared life with people whom have mindsets approximate to my own, but our lives no longer intersect. Those people have, commonly, been hardened by unfortunate lives. Like myself, they are often feared for their unique and ungentle characters. Unfortunately, the fear toward me, is not generated by my few mistakes which directly influenced others.

No, the source of my isolation is not my weakness or immorality, but my strength. I’ve seen much of the uglier side of life and human nature, and am subsequently prepared for it. This requires a sophistication of personality that most people don’t understand, and are unwilling to accept.

For example: I feel obligated to discuss the flaws in people’s deepest beliefs; I see doing this as beneficial to them, even if they are discomforted by the process. Simply put: I don’t care about their discomfort, which is derived merely from the consideration of an idea; better they be a little uncomfortable, then correct their behavior.

Throughout my adulthood, I’ve been consistently surprised by the depth and intricacy of people’s immaturity and delusions. I simply didn’t understand that such behavior was possible. The influences, of my childhood, did not allow the luxury of possessing these character flaws – so I could not conceive it occurring in others.

My adolescence saw the fruition of that childhood trauma, in the form of psychologic turmoil. To overcome that, I developed a seemingly rare degree of self-awareness and control, and complexity of world-view. I always thought that, people who didn’t face those challenges, would be better than me.

I was wrong. I also thought that people would appreciate strength of character, and basic human decency. I was wrong. But maybe I’ve just been unlucky; maybe I’ve just misinterpreted society as a whole. I genuinely hope so. So here I am, looking for love, thinking I’m special. Fuck my life.

Hub Links Follow, and can be found near the top of every page.


Cooking

Journal

Let’s Play [With My Heart]

Metacognition

Paradigm / Philosophy

Autobiography +

Poetry

Romantic Compatibility

Movies and Shows

Tools

Video Gaming


10 Responses to “Unaddressed Love Letters”

  1. I don’t know much of anything but I know this is one interesting blog! Despite my pathetic former life as I’ve described, I do have hope as I have seen many good things and met a few decent folks (not many). Still we trudge onward through this mess!

    Like

  2. Struggle can break us, or help develop strength. I’ve also seen many wonderful things, and met a few good people, in my life; that’s what keeps me going.

    I genuinely appreciate your compliment, and hope it help me find a partner, as you have.

    Like

  3. Oh my word, I am insatiably curious and Googled Ikue Asazaki – Obokuri-Eeumi and am listening to it as I type. It is exquisitely beautiful, I love it and absolutely love the way you write. I am such a romantic and I truly hope the right person is winging their way to you already. Sometimes putting it out there in the Universe is a good start. I found my perfect partner 21 years ago and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is an engineer and hopeless at communication, really bad… seriously, but somehow I get him and he gets me and together we are fantastic. I wish that for you with my whole heart! P.S. It’s Tania from Soul Sense Coaching stopping in from Blog Pitch Party.

    Like

  4. Ah, thank you very much on all accounts. You may wish to note that the songs have inbuilt links. Simply click them, and they will open to youtube, in a new page.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Certainly the most interesting about page I have seen on a blog, ever! Most people are full of shit and present things in the light they want to present to the world. Louis, you are definitely honest and it is interesting to me that even though we look at the world in a different manner, many of our core beliefs are similar, for example, we both study the motives of people, and see the flaws. I see different flaws than you. As for your search for love, that is a universal thing I think, sounds like the lady who left your life left a wreck behind, I have been there as well. Also you may not believe but I have also been the hero, the villain and the victim in my life as well. Life has thrown situations at me that were harsh, difficult and I was woefully unprepared for them. Tough times caused me to question everything and the answers I came out with were that, our thoughts are important to what we experience. Your perspective on thoughts is interesting as well, how can we understand how the mind works and therefore trust that our thoughts are guiding us well? Good food for thought. Life is a one time experience and at times it can be very hard to see the good, but the good does exist, just as the evil exists. It always reminds me of a Cherokee parable about the old Chief who tells his grandson that there are two wolves inside each of us, one of love, and one of fear and they are constantly fighting for control. The child asks,”grandfather, which one will win?” The answer is, the one that you feed. Thanks for the thoughts, you may regret introducing me to your blog. 🙂

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  6. Em. “All roads lead to Rome.” From my perspective, all rational thought leads to the same place. And I love a good parable; allow me to share one that has warmed me through the years.

    On an island, a tribe lived. In that tribe, a shaman lived. One day, the shaman began staring at the horizon. He continued this behavior for years, to no end. Later, the shaman sees something on the horizon; he immediately gathers the villagers, pointing at it. They see nothing. Over days, the object comes closer; the shaman continues to point it out, to no avail. Eventually, the other villagers do see, when it is anchored in their bay – it was a ship.

    And while I’m honest, and prefer complete transparency, I am nevertheless forced to commit lies of omission and inference; few people like their deepest held beliefs casually refuted – especially when their beliefs paint them heroic. But then, those very people rarely value honesty. So, if finding love demands I allow continuation of their self-imposed delusions, so be it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What a fascinating premise for a blog! I am intrigued…

    I, too, have experienced the trauma you describe, as well as the search for self-understanding that resulted. I have known the frustrations and heartache of relationships, and I spent a good portion of my life looking for one particular man. I knew him intimately in my heart and soul, but never met him in the flesh. And then that last relationship break-up came and went, and my whole attitude changed…

    But, unlike you, I chose a different path. I accepted my mate was a myth, and that every intimate relationship I would/could experience here was fundamentally flawed. I decided that I was done compromising for the comfort of companionship; that I was tired of sacrificing my time, energy, effort, money and desires for the sake of making room in my life for a partner. So I chose to go solo. Period. That was 12 years ago, and I have never regretted that decision…

    But I am a loving soul, and I delight in discovering couples who can truly make it work. I do not envy them their work, but I admire and respect their efforts. And so I find I must follow you and this blog to see if you succeed. I truly hope you do. Such determination and awareness deserves reward, and only one reward seems appropriate here – complete success!

    Wishing you the very best, and truly looking forward to sharing this journey with you… 🙂

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  8. Aye. I’m afraid that might end up being my only choice. But I’ll keep trying, as I’m currently not strong enough for the single life. But thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I genuinely hope you find what you are looking for, Louis! Really! And personally, I think it takes more strength to keep looking, than to give up. Just my opinion, though. Single is easy; partnership is hard work…

    Like

  10. Like

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