Journal Entry 8-6-16

Nick Cave an Warren Ellis – What Must Be Done

My first journal entry. I suspect I’m depressed, as I’m still cooping with the lose of the Tranny. I thought he was to be the love of my life, the solution to all my problems. I was wrong.

In losing him, I also lost my hope. Now, all I have left is metacognition and art. Perhaps metacognition would be more rewarding, but I nevertheless chase love instead. And so, this damned blog’s existence. I fear that I’m wasting time here.

But, of course, I have no choice but try the best I can. I cannot get the Tranny back, unless he decides to come back. He told me he may. A possibly that, I’ve tried to convince myself, will not occur – and should not.

In doing so, I’ve consistently reminded myself of all his irrationality, selfishness, and emotional unavailability. But I invariably also recall what I loved about him. I’ve accepted that as part of the price for overcoming the pain and moving on.

I don’t think he’ll return. I think his irrational egotism will paint me a villain, and he will never see his mistakes. I tell myself I can’t overlook those behaviors – that I should not have fallen in love.

But I also know that people change, and imagine his potential is dramatic. So, while seeking to forget him, I nevertheless know there is a marginal possibility he will return. I attempt to forget this, as I do my bank account lessening as I am not working.

I’m not working because I was being unfairly paid. I would have remained however, due to the consistent availability of large quantities of overtime. The deciding factor was giving myself the time to work on our relationship. He left a week later, a day after my birthday. That was his only gift.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on August 6, 2016.

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