Journal Entry 8-13-16

Royal Blood – Figure It Out

It’s been around 3 months since the Tranny left me. The first 5 weeks were tears, and pathetic attempts to rush coming to terms. I accepted he was gone, unlikely to return; I simply didn’t understand the situation fully, nor was I emotionally prepared for his lose. And I believed his claims that it was my fault.

Eight years of hard luck, taking form in consistent career betrayals, failed attempts at building friendships, a separate failed longterm relationship, scrimping and saving to get no where, and becoming increasingly aware of how shitty humanity is.. I needed hope, and I imagined it was in him. My own mistake.

The signs were there from the start, and when I addressed them, he gave counter-points which I wanted to believe were true. They often made sense, if not dependent on future proof. Our relationship started with a foundation of shared perspectives on rationality, human nature, etc. Unfortunately, his was conceptual, idealistic. Even simpler hard-truths were difficult for him.

I was busy during our attempt at a relationship, working insane hours. 60+ hour weeks, 12 day streaks, chaotic sleep, constantly learning new information, all while consistently in new locations with new and unruly people and co-workers. So, I needed the hope of love even more. So I indulged his reasoning. He had the labii to claim his studies compared to my work – I should’ve seen it right then.

Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I was right all along. In either case, he’s gone. These three months, I’ve been piecing it together, remembering the bits and pieces I didn’t have time for – while heartbreak and hopelessness shook me. Whether right or wrong, it seems he’s immature, and that immaturity coupled with his high intelligence, created intricate delusions – rather than admit to his failings.

I’ve gone over each piece thousands of times, and am as satisfied as I can be. I was right: he was a fool, immature, even if a genius. Whether this is the only possibility I can accept, or because it is true, I do not know. But now, though sad about it, though still hoping he returns, I am returning to who I was before.

I love you, you crazy, spoiled little shit. But if you come back, I’ll probably have to reject you.

 


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~ by Louis Naughtic on August 13, 2016.

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