Journal Entry 8-22-16

A Perfect Circle – Passive

My kidneys are often hurting, due to more than doubling my cigarette intake since the Tranny left me. More negative effects are being caused by the cigarettes, and of course my funds are draining as I’m not working. And I’m realizing that I don’t much care about it, or my future.

I’m far less depressed; my old drive is returning.. but the chances of finding tolerable companionship, of any kind, seem highly unlikely. I hope I’m wrong. I’ll put in the work with this blog, and in the real world. But given the unlikelihood of achieving my goal, and having no other interests approaching the importance of companionship.. leaves me unmotivated.

I’ve been searching through the memories of my life, as I have since adolescence, for a chance. Nothing substantial comes up. I used to misinterpret others as commonly possessing traits similar to my own. While interacting with so many people over the course of my life, I’ve consistently found deficiencies that I lack, and thus never knew existed. Now, assessing people, I see stacks of those deficiencies burying the, merely possible, positive traits.

I’m sick of overcoming problems the majority of people never do, alone, only to find new and excitingly exotic issues beyond. The most recent problem is absurd – the maturity I possess, developed through little intention of my own, is what’s ostracizing, and keeping me from being happy? I’m actually hoping I’m a megalomaniac rather than be faced with that.

I’m assuming that, once I manage to become emotionally ok with the situation, and get back to trying to make something of my life, cancer will come next, or maybe quadriplegia. The pattern grows old. The sadness is passing, being replaced by the age-old annoyance edged with bitterness and anger.

I’ll keep looking for love. I’ll find some low-paying job to get by with little effort, pouring my spare energy here. Maybe I’ll push my metacognitive limits. Maybe the next massive, bullshit twist of chance, will encourage me to kill myself – the idea is just starting to seem as normal as a chore. But, as usual, I should be fine. Maybe it’ll all pay off eventually.

 


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~ by Louis Naughtic on August 22, 2016.

9 Responses to “Journal Entry 8-22-16”

  1. Might I suggest that one’s wants are subordinate to nature’s law of keeping balance, and in being subordinate we sometimes feel waves of confusion as our wants are swayed from without ourselves

  2. You can suggest what you like, though I’d ask you to clarify, as I don’t quite understand what you mean.

  3. Take everything, as a whole, is it not in balance?

  4. Whether or not it’s in balance doesn’t change my circumstances. I can smile while being mistreated, yet it would still be mistreatment.

  5. But you’re going in another direction, what would you like to discuss?

  6. No, same subject.

  7. I believe peace is an inner balance, and I would say that one’s wants sway one’s inner balance. Therefore I thought a subject we might explore is the outer influences that affect one’s wants. As for the subject of mistreatment, what is your goal?

  8. Of these things, I am aware. But a few decades of misfortune has tested my patience, you understand. And what I want is decent company. Unfortunately, the availability seems low; like water in a desert.

  9. I see.. Well, I hope you find your peace.

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