Journal Entry 8-31-16

Persona 4 – Heartbeat, Heartbreak

Years of stress and social frustration, seemed to crystallize in a desperate need for love. Driven by this need, I imagined the Tranny to be compatible, when he was infact far from. In the months since his leaving, I was crushed – for aforementioned reasons.

But it seems there was another factor, that I’ve recently discovered; that discovery seems to have lifted the pain almost entirely. I imagined him nearly identical to myself, so his leaving made no sense, and revealed a gargantuan flaw in my calculations. This caused me to doubt my entire paradigm, and feel helpless in the face of life as a whole.

Furthering the problem, I ignored my carefully constructed paradigm, to maintain the delusion that his reasoning for leaving was rationally conceived. Because, if it was thus composed, he would be sane enough to see he was wrong, and return. To maintain my hope, I sacrificed my all confidence, derived from a life of overcoming absurd challenges.

He implied I wanted him to be permanently inferior, and thus subservient to me, in our relationship. Yet I risked my sanity to validate his false reasoning. Little bitch. I love you Tranny, and its due to that love, as I said so many times, that I point out your irrationality. I wanted you strong, so you would be safe and happy – even without me. Digression.

Identifying the source of my turmoil has allowed me to mostly restabilize. And understanding this weakness, within myself, has allowed me to grow stronger. And I’ve gained a deeper understanding of the delusion process so common in humanity – both through my delusions regarding the Tranny, and through the Tranny’s uncommon delusions.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’ve also started to delve into the more dangerous, and rewarding, areas of metacognition. I’ll keep that up, quit smoking and get in shape, and consciously will my happiness for as long as I’m willing to continue looking for love in the ocean of twats that compose humanity.

I abstain from work for the time, as I rebuild my mind. When I’m ready, I’ll find some do-nothing job, so as to devote my real effort to finding love. Another first-step in another bitter journey. Daddy’s home.

 


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~ by Louis Naughtic on August 31, 2016.

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