Journal Entry 9-17-16

Clutch – Electric Worry.

Funny; I just realized that this blog is becoming less of a chore, and more cathartic; towhich my immediate response was repulsion. With displeasure, I recall the ridiculous loses and misfortunes throughout my life, soas to comprehend the response. A common theme of my thoughts, though not specifically addressing my fear of happiness.

I started smoking cigarettes heavily again, though I’m not very worried about it. At this point, I’m so confident in my ability to quit that I’ve placed a lower priority on quitting. That, or I’m just using it as an excuse to keep smoking. Either way, I’m more interested in writing and exploring my thoughts and emotions, which smoking facilitates. Whereas, when quitting, I have to focus primarily on rearranging my thought processes to function in the absence of cigarettes – very distracting.

I started smoking again due to the recollections in “Late Childhood.” I remembered being truly content and happy, which I haven’t been.. since then, and became temporarily depressed over it. As I prefer not repressing impactful emotions, I decided to let it ride – that meant smoking, and listening to the post’s associated song on repeat, for 2 or 3 days.

While those, other positive memories, and my hobbies and hopes, keep me moving forward, my situation is nevertheless unchanged. Infact, its somewhat worsened, which added to the sadness of recalling better times. This due to my spending the last week or so intensively combing through blogs, and commenting when appropriate; I’ve also been doing this since the blog’s inception. The return, in terms of finding suitable company, have not been promising.

Oh well. Back on the fucking grind. YEHAW! I really wish I was born in a different era.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on September 17, 2016.

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