Journal Entry 9-27-16

Yoko Kanno – Inner Universe.

Surprisingly, after 15 years of heavy smoking, quitting is difficult. Though I’ve tried this enough times that the psychologic compulsion no longer poses a serious problem. That’s merely one issue that accompanies quitting, however. Cigarettes become a cornerstone of the mind’s functions. From relaxing, to focusing, dealing with pains both physical and mental, maintaining homeostasis, etc.

All these activities need to be relearned. Thankfully, metacognition and previous attempts at quitting, leave me capable. Still, its interesting to observe my mind functioning and changing – aswellas a fucking irritating, as I’d rather just have a damn cigarette. But, it interferes with metacognition too much to be worth keeping around. And I’m getting older, and more dependent on them.

Since the last post, I think I’ve had.. maybe 14. Though they were all within 2 sittings of chain-smoking. And the act itself was motivated by social engineering needs within the new job – though I wanted them anyway. Though I did vacillate briefly when considering to smoke or not, the social benefit was simply too large to let go.

As previously stated, I started working with a neighbor. He has a nursery on his property which needs regular tending – he pays 12 an hour there. He does offsite jobs, landscaping stuff, and has a general contractor’s license – offsite pays 18. I can probably get more out of him later, but I’m not worried about it for now. Decent rates given the work.

While him literally being next door is obviously convenient as fuck, he is also extremely relaxed when it comes to hours. I can probably set whatever schedule I want – random days and hours, with no definite starting time, should I choose. I enjoy the work itself, which is mostly quiet and relaxed, while being very physical. These factors are ideal.

However, the man is insane. A low and relatively safe degree, but still insane. A “nice” idiot, whom in an unstable society, would quickly turn into a criminal. But we’re in America, so for now, his devotion to the popular and childish perspective, of kindness’ resounding importance, leaves him relatively harmless.

That’s fine, those people are tolerable so long as they’re kept emotionally stable. But, as with most of them, he’s incompetent. Unlike most of them, he also seems to possess pronounced ADHD and OCD. Essentially, he’s atrocious at planning, and spends a great deal of time obsessing over nothing. But, he’s 52, and though he won’t outright say it, seems to understand that he has these problems.

Which, thus far, has meant that while he’s obsessively chasing his own tail, I can go wander off and attend to some general business that needs doing – which he seems to be learning to appreciate and trust. He also is a very hard worker, which I always respect. All in all, it could be an excellent job for me while I rebuild my life and mind.

But, you never know. His mental instability could lead him to do anything. And anyone who clings to the simplistic philosophy of kindness and acceptance without judgment, tends to become extremely selfish the moment they’re slightly inconvenienced, or when any of the gargantuan flaws in their philosophy are pointed out. Detest those imbeciles, and their interference with true humanitarianism.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on September 27, 2016.

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