Journal Entry – 10-23-16

Wolf’s Rain – Gravity.

I just got in a measured disagreement with my sister, and more-or-less told her I didn’t want to see her again due to her recent behavior; though I did make it clear that I would leave lines of communication open, and do my best to reconsider our situation, attempting to accept her or see fault in my reasoning. I love her, I’ve always loved her more than anyone else, but she seems to have become the typical, delusional whore, common among mentally unhealthy females.

I want to have her in my life, but I simply don’t trust her to act outside of her self-interest. I want her to do well, but I don’t see her selfish and thoughtless behaviors changing anytime soon – though I suspect a few years will change it. She’s no treacherous yet, so I could just her current actions go and move on with our relationship; but I’ve done that with so many people, and its always been exclusively to their benefit.

Underpinning it all, obviously, is my current emotional state: I simply don’t want to deal with the stress of her immaturity; I don’t want to baby my own sister anymore. I may simply be digging myself a deeper hole of loneliness and isolation by removing her from my life; I may merely be feeding a victim complex that I unknowingly possess; but this genuinely seems to be the most reasonable course.

Throughout the entire interaction, I noticed the similarity of our discussion, to that which separated Tranny and I. Except my sister represented my position in that interaction, whereas I represented Tranny’s. But, in both interactions, I felt that my reasoning was ignored, and I was expected to change without reciprocity. And while I openly and patiently discussed the situation, I was responded to with irrational emotionality.

I’m genuinely sorry, to them both, that I could not provide what they wanted; but an adulthood spent getting betrayed for my generosity and forgiveness has taught me that such things should be given with restraint – that once that door is open, people often expect it to remain open without condition. They both displayed that expectation.

They both have the option to return and make the situation right, and I will continue to seek my faults, relating to our interactions, regardless of whether or not it will cause their return. I fear I’m wrong in both situations – hell, I want to be wrong, as solutions would therefore be easier to find – but I think I’m in the right.

The situation, with my sister, is causing me to feel.. detached. The fresh pain of writing her off is difficult to tolerate, when added to the rest of my problems. But this is the situation; I can either choose to deal with it, or let it break me. What I can’t do is forgive her, while she displays no signs of changing.

I’ll keep watching for her messages; I’ll keep looking for where I was wrong; all in hopes to reestablish our relationship. But I cannot endure another relationship wherein I’m expected to give without return. Maybe I’m wrong about everything, maybe all the people I’ve written off merely offended my delicate ego – I keep trying to validate this theory, but failing.

Fuck my life. On a lighter note, and perhaps one that writers might find interesting: I dreamed, last night, of people asking me what my “blacklop” was. I answered that I didn’t know the word, to which they answered: “your favorite sugar-based cereal.” I don’t favor sugar, so it makes a certain sense that I’d sugary cereal with that unpleasant sounding word.


Journal Hub



~ by Louis Naughtic on October 23, 2016.

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