Tranny

The Seatbelts – Gotta Knock A Little Harder.

When I think of him, my world gets brighter – literally. Chalk it up to a silly imagination, or metacognitive expertise, but thinking of him literally brightens what I’m looking at – minutely. I assume my pupils are dilating due to my former love for him; I haven’t checked. Despite that deep-seated love, I doubt he will return to me; or if he does, that we could make it work.

Tranny has a myriad of issues that he personally acknowledges: HSP, Dysphoria, an absurd amount of allergies, immaturity, and social insecurity; he’s also younger than me by more than a few years, and has lived a sheltered live. What I suspect he also possesses, but does not himself acknowledge, is extreme emotional immaturity which causes/lends to potent confabulation.

So, even if he returns, committing to him would likely be a terrible idea – though I desperately hope he can mature. I didn’t notice his negative traits before falling in love, because he’s highly intelligent. His insights into humanity and life, that few people ever comprehend, share similarities to my own. His mind is beautiful.

But let me start from the start. We met on a forum. I was discussing transsexuality, and stated that my personal experience suggested transsexuality to be a mere psychologic disorder; I knew nothing of dysphoria. He overheard my opinions and shared his experience; I wanted to know more. We chatted, we kept chatting. I’ve never met him; we’ve never even been on the same continent.

Eventually, our discussions led to affection. Affection led to daily texting, chatting, and skyping. While he could understand many advanced concepts, his blindspot was self-awareness – emotional maturity. He could correctly analyze complex data, but emotional, and therefore social, subjects were difficult for him. To compensate, he was excessively logical: obsessively and stubbornly clinging to concepts he had previously deemed correct.

While he acknowledged possessing insecurity and immaturity, I found the degrees of both to be far greater than he understood. So, when we started to interact romantically, and I pointed out faults with his behaviors, he had great difficulty understanding. I believe he genuinely tried to understand and change, motivated by affection.

But, due to his insecurity and immaturity, those attempts expressed themselves in confabulation. I don’t think he ever tried to deceive me; I think he was simply overwhelmed by emotions he did not understand, and reacted impulsively. I made mistakes of my own, but they were all in response to his behaviors – my attempts to work with his unreasonable behavior, ofwhich he was unaware.

The final straw causing him to leave, according to him, was my seemly combative method of discussion. Admittedly, I promised not behave thusly, and had been doing so for weeks while he “endured” it. But me being combative is not me being dismissive or domineering, as he sadly imagined. Or maybe I’m just a megalomaniac.

He also stated that I’m sexist. And that I believed his dysphoria to be false, which is incorrect: I was merely undecided, as he’d displayed deep delusions; perhaps the psychologic issues which generated those delusions also generated a false dysphoria? To me, my being completely undecided, even leaning toward his dysphoria’s legitimacy in the face of his confabulation, seemed to indicate my trust.

At the end, it seemed that he had fabricated an image of me being controlling and deceptive, to avoid acknowledging his own failings. Maybe I am; I try to see it, yet fail. Should any of my potential mates desire details proving his delusions, I can provide chat logs, emails, etc, of our conversations.

Oh, and while I may still love his potential, while there is still residual affection for him, while I still fondly recall the good times, while I hope he returns as a mature person – I do not trust him any longer, am convinced of his irrationality, and thus cannot truly love him. That is to say: my affection for him is no real threat to any of my potential mates.

However. In the theoretical situation wherein he returns, mature and capable of fulfilling my needs better than someone I am currently courting but not involved with? I don’t know. I know that, while “with” him, despite regularly being pursued by various women [in person], I ignored them completely; I do not take relationships lightly, and the thought of romantically harming someone disgusts me entirely.

Goodbye, Hearth.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on October 25, 2016.

2 Responses to “Tranny”

  1. Love is a peculiar thing, and true love stories are always peppered with arguments, frustration and confusion. True love isn’t always romantic, but it is something worth trying to make work.

    Who knows what you have here? But if you imagine yourself on your death bed thinking ‘I wish I’d pursued that tangent’ .. Then perhaps you should.

  2. I promised not to approach him without prompting, and so I won’t. In truth, this is the best situation: I’m nearly certain that I’m dramatically in the right, and thus no more attempts to convince him would prove fruitful; he needs to figure it out himself, and if he can’t, if he continues to choose delusions over reality, we would have never worked out.

    It was my own fault for allowing hope and need to cloud my judgment.

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