Journal Entry 11-4-16

The Seatbelts – Diggin’.

For those unfortunate enough to be following my blog: I’ve been doing something else. Well, not really; I’ve merely been adding to the blog in a different manner than usual. I’ve, functionally, been making an audio copy of the blog.

I’m not merely recording myself reading the blog, however; I’ve been doing “Let’s Play” videos while “stream of conscious” rambling about my life. For those unfamiliar: “Let’s Play” are video recordings of video game playthroughs. It may seem a strange thing to do, but it has benefits.

Aswellas allowing you to enjoy my lovely voice and mouth-breathing, you get to see my equally lovely face while rambling – though a few of my initial videos did not have webcam feed. I’ll, later, be linking appropriate Let’s Play videos to associated posts throughout the site. But, for those who prefer this medium, I’ll do a regular journal entry now.

I can see the end of depression approaching. The hard labor of my job [often digging trenches, which I inexplicably have always loved] is increasing my fitness dramatically, which of course improves my mental health. Metacognition is producing desired returns, and I’ve thankfully not had to take serious risks yet. I’ve been smoking regularly again, which is also helpful. And finally, the Let’s Plays give me the delusion of having something resembling company.

While my mood is greatly improving, while I’m reinvigorating myself when depression sneakily returns, I suspect that a major catastrophe might cause relapse. For example: my savage roommates keep downloading copyright infringing material – that might lead to legal actions levied against me which drain my savings. No one is taking responsibility, of course.

The internet account is in my name, you see. I’m making no money from hosting it, but I simply don’t trust these animals to manage something so simple, and the internet is my lifeblood. So, gotta keep it. I’m hoping that if any legal action comes my way, I can simply point the court to police reports related to the house, and thus confirm my claims of the roomies being unreasonable animals.

I’m starting to look for a better houseshare, but apparently rent just went up for the whole of Seattle [including mine] due to some random laws undoubtedly motivated by the recent minimum wage increase. Due to that, I’m considering moving back to my hometown of Eureka, California. I won’t be doing that until completely and permanently free of depression however.

Still no prospects of love, and I still seriously doubt there will ever be any. But, metacognition and other factors are allowing me to will happiness without any reason to have it. This is obviously inideal, but its my only option, and I won’t have issue with it once I gain enough metacognitive control.

I’ve dealt with allot of shit throughout my life, and I’ve done quite a bit of it with a smile. I’ll return to who I was, and stronger than before. Or I’ll fail, and kill myself when I tire of enduring. Should be fine though. And if not, I’m not worried about dying: gotta happen sometime, and I’ve lived a full enough life. And I wouldn’t allow myself to do so while in a depressed state, mind you; only when strong enough to make a sound decision.

 


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~ by Louis Naughtic on November 5, 2016.

4 Responses to “Journal Entry 11-4-16”

  1. Throwing in the towel is not an option. It just isn’t. Sometimes I tire. It is a weary world to say the least. But I’ve found God and that helps tremendously. I’ve actually felt his touch on my shoulder physically. It has been a little while, months maybe. I know if I call He is there.

  2. I don’t see suicide as anything but a change. Whether the change is positive or negative, I do not know. If a time comes when I need that change, I will take it fully prepared to accept the consequences.

    I likely have a few more years of tolerating misfortune in me; I’m strong and smart, so I can likely improve my circumstances in that time. But if I can’t, despite my best efforts [efforts which regularly and greatly surpass those of others], then I’ll accept that life will continue its purposeless harassment of me, and try another path.

    And I’m afraid that I’m not religious, nor do I imagine ever becoming so.

  3. I was sure that was the case. The term religious does not describe me though…. I would say instead, that I am not so righteous that I think I can manage this world on my own. Someone, a very intelligent source let’s say, came up with the very cool, complex stuff, and I’ve seen some unbelievable “circumstances” unite in force to convince me I need to be humble and accept I don’t know much and need help. Pigs fly these days and that is reason enough in my mind to take a back seat and pay a bit of homage. Best wishes in your move and I hope you find the meaning to all of this sooner than later as it becomes a whole lot easier once you do! 🙂

  4. I’ve seen quite a bit myself – and in areas most people are unwilling to look. I’ve seen plenty of order in life, even order in the chaos which rules people’s minds. The order which I love, most people hate – not because they should, but because thats all they know how to do.

    I, with a clear head, would refuse to be surrounded by that for the rest of my life, if there is no possibility of change. I currently see that possibility, but further calculations may prove impossibility.

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