Journal Entry 11-12-16

Chrono Resurrection – To Far Away Times.

Having finally crawled out of depression enough to regained allot of my former vigor, drive, and clarity, I’ve set about the task of changing my surroundings to further improve my mental state. Accordingly, I’ve found a new houseshare in a peaceful and lovely little neighborhood – I won’t be moving in for a month and a half, however.

Though my rent will go up around 160$, the increase is well-worth it: I will have a total of 2 housemates, both of whom are mature men; one of those men is the owner, whom I get along with very well; the house is clean, spacious, and modern, with a backyard inwhich I can have a garden again; and they have a proper and healthy dog, which is very comforting to me – none of that small dog bullshit.

The owner himself is a manager of some IT company, so he has enough social proficiency to understand me sufficiently. We also bonded over our similar romantic circumstances: he was recently left by a woman whom he was to marry. The house and property, belonging to him and in need of upgrades, presents the possibility of our having man-time.

While his construction skills are less proficient than mine, I’ve seen plenty of signs that he is genuinely interested in serious upgrade projects. Little more is pleasing to me than working with others to permanently and dramatically improve our surroundings. Whether these projects occur is to be seen, but merely being around someone that can imagine the benefits is heartening.

While the room is a pathetic 10×10, there’ll be enough room for the essentials, and there’s sufficient storage throughout the property. Not having to worry about the random chaos spawned by the seething insanity of my current houseshare is taking a great burden off me: I won’t have to constantly be on alert, manipulating savages into behaving peaceably.

I can feel that knot of anxiety untying already, and its adding to my overall improvement. I’ll also find a new job once I move – if the one I just applied for doesn’t turn out. The new jobs I seek will be in walking distance of home, and sufficient to pay my bills and save a little, as that’s all I want for now while overhauling my mind.

Though depression leaves me, though my surroundings are improving, the greater problem of humanity and I’s disparity remains; thus unable to find the company which provides me true contentment, I retain melancholy. So, I still need to devote the majority of my energy to developing tolerance to my situation. Its going well, as metacognition is bearing fruit.

I’m smoking cigarettes regularly and without restraint, but they keep me emotionally stable and thus lend to improvement despite their penalties to metacog; I’ll worry about quitting again when I’m naturally happier – cigarettes are a rather sufficient replacement for hope, you see. So, I’ll sacrifice the increasingly obvious penalties to me health, as they make me happier in these dark times.

In the metacog department, I’m doing very well. I still lack the intricacy and fluidity I desire, but the ground-work is starting to take hold. The biggest roadblock is [amusingly, to me] simple fear; the horrors I experienced in my early adolescence, when mixing reckless metacog with marijuana-induced schizophrenia, deeply ingrained avoidance behavior. I’ll figure it out eventually; I always do.

So, life’s looking brighter; not merely tolerable, but even enjoyable at times. Am I content? Absolutely not – but the situation is certainly tolerable. As metacog progresses, I see the person I wish to be taking form, and that person is immunized against my last weakness – the need for hope. That may sound callous, but I maintain that a person whom can be happy in all situations, can be much happier in good situations.

Or maybe I’m just a megalomaniac [laughs maniacally]. Good luck in the world, you savage heathens.

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~ by Louis Naughtic on November 13, 2016.

One Response to “Journal Entry 11-12-16”

  1. Okay I’ll bite; off to the “horrors I experienced”… *braces self*… ~pie~

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