[Age 16-22] Back Home [Part 1]

Squirrel Nut Zippers – Hell.

For anyone keeping track, my life has been very strange. This section of it is no exception; I’ll first discuss the events that occurred throughout this time-period, before addressing the more important factor of my sitting around, for years, thinking. These events are somewhat lengthy, but it seems necessary to mention them as briefly as possible.

I returned home, to California, disconnected from reality. The absence of marijuana, alcohol, and social chaos, left me alone with my increasingly erratic thoughts. I lived with my Grandmother, but she mostly went about her own business and didn’t know how to approach me – leaving me to privately writhe.

We did some moving around, as she’d sold my childhood home while I was absent; it was not pleasant, arriving to a tiny apartment, when I needed home most. After a few weeks, I moved into a home under construction, which we were soon to live in together. The place was a mess, with no electricity. In the few weeks I stayed there alone, without the world or drugs to distract me, my mental problems became pronounced.

Essentially, I was moving into what would become a very deep and lengthy depression mixed with a variety of other mental issues. Without distractions constantly demanding my attention, I was hounded by existential quandaries and alone with my degrading mind.

I was trying to make sense of my increasing instability and the world at large, and the self-hatred and shame spawned by my lost-loves and terrible secret. My mind, simply, was coming apart. Thankfully, not to the degrees which occurred during marijuana usage, but I was at sea in a storm, the ship of my mind breaking up, and couldn’t find port.

Once the construction was finalized, and my Grandmother moved in with me, things calmed for a time. Having her around was great, as we’d always got along very well – we were more of equals than child and parent. She noticed my mental issues, though did not comment; instead suggesting I get work. I did so, working at a fast food place or two, fulltime, for the next 8 months.

Friends were made, women flirted with me [I was enamored by one, but my internal issues kept me distant], parties were had. I warmly welcomed alcohol when offered at parties, but I didn’t pursue it when alone. I avoided marijuana – though I did smoke it once, alone, later; it caused the usual effects, and I swore off it for the next 14 years. I took some pill at one party, which lead to my possession of new physical scars [I’ve never taken any pill since, or done anything harder than marijuana].

I quit the job that had become my exclusive one. It was a fun job, due to an excellent collection of coworkers, but the social demands became too distracting from my internal issues; I left it simply out of desperate need for peace – at the time, leaving caused me shame. I regularly interacted with the friends I’d made for the next.. year or three after that. One even lived with Granny and I very briefly, as he was in need of a place.

Granny wasn’t pleased by my leaving the job, but she mostly kept it to herself, presumably not to stress me. She understood I was in serious turmoil, but wasn’t wise enough to know what to do. She did what she could: she helped me go to a shrink and social services, but that didn’t really help; she also sponsored me living with roommates, in a couple other rentals, for a year or so.

I can’t recall the exact timeline of all that, but I think living elsewhere occurred relatively soon after quitting; Granny was trying to keep me busy, you see. Unfortunately, living elsewhere wasn’t hugely helpful. At one rental, my roomie was an alcoholic, but a fun one; I didn’t drink much with him though– primarily because I was living off Granny, and had no desire to waste her money. Ah, we eventually had some druggie friend live with us, as we wanted to help him out – he was mostly harmless, but a hassle, as his mind was burned away by the drugs.

I occasionally went bumming with him, which was sociologically very interesting. Though I didn’t need the money, as Granny was supporting me, I didn’t want to drain her funds. So, we begged for change, hunted down and turned in bottles and cans, and went to food pantries which provide free food to the poor.

This paragraph is digression, but interesting. I integrated myself into a band of homeless kids one night. I think they took me for being newly homeless, and I went with it for fun. When one was busted by the cops, I noted that she’d left her bag behind, and informed the leader so he could get it. After that, he somewhat indoctrinated me to the homeless life, explaining various ins and outs. He also told me where the group’s stash of cans were. A fun night.

At the other place I lived, the roomies were mostly fun. A female roommate and I interacted sexually for a brief time, before I moved out. We never moved beyond oral, however; I was about to fuck her once, but then got called away to attend to some business. We had discussed it being casual from the start, and I wasn’t really into her, so that wasn’t a big deal. Amusingly, she was an alcoholic, and pissed all over us both while sleeping, one night.

For a variety of minor reasons, all primarily motivated by my need for peace, I moved back in with Granny. The last event I will tell, before moving onto the real story, is that I talked Granny into allowing an old friend and I to grow marijuana in the house – she just wanted me doing something other than sitting around. It was an elaborate undertaking, and legal because he had a grow-card. My [now former] friend fucked it up to such a degree that I had to horn him out, but I made Granny’s money back with interest.

Ah, I forgot. My Aunt, having recently separated from her husband, and not knowing what to do with herself, moved in with us for awhile. I can’t recall how long. Maybe 6 months? It was nice having her around, and we did some drinking with some of my old work-friends. More importantly, her children often stayed with us for weeks at a time – I think they were.. around 6, then. Good kids, but wild because Aunt wasn’t very attentive; they were calm and happy when I was in charge. We played allot of Gamecube together and generally had allot of fun. My siblings and Mother visited now and then as well.

Now, with the various events which occurred around me covered, we move onto the important part. I wish I could provide an accurate timeline of all those events, as when they occurred would have obviously influenced my thoughts, but I simply don’t recall – I was far too absorbed in my mind.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on December 3, 2016.

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