Journal Entry 1-13-17

Eve – Surplus Of Rare Artifacts.

In the month or so since moving, various issues have occurred: regular kidney and general abdominal pain, and reduction in all these categories: sensitivity in my finger-tips and various areas of my body, sex-drive, breathing rate, thirst, body temperature, overall energy, strength and endurance, speed and breadth of thought, desire to live. Overall, while emotionally stable, I’m a severely diminished version of myself.

These issues seem to be psychosomatically caused, though they were undoubtedly exacerbated by a period of time, immediately before moving, wherein I chain-smoked large amounts of unfiltered cigarettes. I now smoke 4-8 filtered MCD Black a day. Throughout the depression, lung-pain has been, on average, much less than it was before depression. I don’t understand why.

The source of my issues seems to be my newly acquired world-view, wherein nearly the entirety of humanity is savage. As previously discussed, this world-view is very emotionally challenging for me: before this shift in perspective, I assumed humanity to be.. benevolent. That assumption caused me to imagine a beautiful and rewarding life stretched out before me.

I was wrong. In the months since I’ve come to this realization, while I’ve been seeking to measure the accuracy of the theory, I’ve hoped that the view was mere pessimism – a twisted view, caused by the depression over losing Tranny. In the last month, though my body has been giving me trouble, my mind and emotions were mostly stable, so I could think without emotional turmoil derailing my thoughts.

Accordingly, I can now trust my calculations, even while disliking their results. Regrettably, I now believe my grim view of humanity to be accurate. And so, I no longer see a beautiful future: I see a future spent trudging through savages, merely so that I can afford to buy time away from them.

When at home, I am happy, myself, and increasingly physically robust: I play video games, watch shows, listen to music, read books, cook, tinker around. But, when forced to deal with humanity again, when volunteering or shopping, even when merely thinking about having to socialize for work, the physical issues return – previously, I was motivated to impress others.

Now, when among the masses, I see their faults, the destructive behavior those faults cause, and the social disorder those behaviors cause. I also see the impossibility of reasoning with them, in attempts to change their behaviors: discussing their faults, and the flaws in their paradigms, almost invariably causes them discomfort which they cannot manage in healthy ways.

Instead of absorbing valid criticisms of their behaviors and beliefs, and using those criticisms to improve themselves, their lives, their surroundings, and their communities, they self-deceive; they lie to themselves, to falsely invalidate my empirically provable opinions, so they can continue their comfortable and destructive habits.

That would be tolerable, if their self-deceptions didn’t also tend to motivate vilification and abuse of me: what better way to invalidate my opinions than paint me delusional; what better way to stop my opinions than censoring me, or negatively influencing me to whatever extent required, to remove me from their lives? Good times.

I’d hoped to find like-minds in the “counter-cultures,” which imagine themselves promoting reason and equality; but I’ve found their proclaimed tenets, much like the religious, have little to do with their actual behaviors and beliefs: they’re all just children hiding in fantasies, afraid of the world and the hard truths required of peace and order – the only difference is what shape those fantasies take.

Failed attempts at mature socializing aside, I’m often the target of sabotage motivated by hatred and jealousy: merely going about my business, while avoiding mature interaction and complex discussion, I outperform others in terms of work, popularity, and general depth of character. I, regularly, have issues at work due to this pattern.

So, for me, socializing with the general public is grueling: I gain nothing, and have to spend every second carefully measuring my actions so that I don’t cause the savages to imagine me their mortal enemy; many respect and like me, but regrettably never meet my standards – I therefore have to avoid their attentions as well, to avoid inflaming the jealous types.

I have to become a completely different person just to be left alone, while I wade through the shit people happily spread. And all that is why, when considering returning to fulltime work, I literally lose my desire to live, and have a variety of psychosomatically caused physical and mood issues: aside from gaining the cash required to pay my bills, I see no benefit, only stress and effort wasted.

I’ve said most of this before, but I say it all now, in totality, because I’ve finally put to all together – both intellectually and emotionally. I now understand the cause of my issues, and the solution to them: if I want to live, I have to simply accept the situation, and numb myself to it. I also have to accept that, while doing all that, I may never find the type of companionship which is the main goal in my life.

While this is a heartbreaking task, it seems my only option. In the past month, I’ve done a fair job of analyzing, organizing, and beginning to control, the negative emotions caused by this situation; I feel like I’ve found the “final boss” of my depression, and am ready to take the bitch on – now I just have to kill all my dreams. I suppose it’s a good sign that I wrote that last sentence then snickered. Kill me.

All that aside, volunteering has been fun: I’m essentially the only man there, so I do all the heavy-lifting, organizing, and repair work around the building – which they need an absurd amount of due to negligence. I’ve been volunteering about 20 hours a week. I’m hoping to get to know one of the women there better, whom is probably around 40; I hope her age will increase our compatibility through subsequent increase of her maturity, but I doubt it will go anywhere.

I’ve also been doing far, far more drinking than usual in the last month: my roommate [who’s ok, but a little soft] keeps pushing beer and liquor on me. I’ve entirely lost my taste for beer, but liquor is as kind to me as it always has been. I’ve been repeatedly tempted to take on alcoholism, as it immediately alleviates all my psychosomatic issues, but I’d rather not take on another body-damaging and mind-numbing crutch.

Ah, right, I forgot to add the obligatory “Either my perspective is correct, or I’m just a megalomaniac.” You’re welcome.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on January 13, 2017.

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