Journal Entry 1-18-17

Bjork – Mutual Core.

Attempting to discuss metacognition with the uninitiated is like convincing Europeans in 1490 that the world is round: I can provide endless evidence, but what I’ll almost invariably receive in return is screams about sea-monsters, falling off the edge of the world, and how their magic friend in the sky disapproves – like I wouldn’t be spurred if it existed.

And keep in mind that, even if I regularly deal in subjects that most people never imagine, I’m still an idiot. I “found” the “cluster” of mental processes that keep me physically and mentally vigorous – the ones that haven’t been working correctly, and have thus caused me a variety of psychosomatically generated issues.

In consciously stimulating a specific region of the mind, soasto make it more active and thus measurable, closely associated regions also become active. So, in “finding,” and beginning to develop conscious control of the aforementioned regions, I found something I’d rather not have.

Here’s the part where I’m an idiot. In having my heart broken by Tranny, in losing the dream of a happy and fulfilling life which now seems impossible, I was in emotional chaos. To alleviate the pain, I tried to forcibly repress the affection that I could not reason away; I did not do so with great precision – while I may have more metacog skill than most, it’s still damn-hard.

Tranny made me blindly happy, so thoughts of him blended with the center of my mind – “soul,” “being,” whatever you want to call it.. where those components, which keep me physically and mentally vigorous, reside. I loved him so much, that thoughts of him intertwined with those that keep me alive. In repressing that love, to repress the pain, I also repressed the damn parts that help keep me alive.

Now that I’ve found the fucking things, and alleviated the suicidal desires born of my bleak future, it should just be a matter of reactivating and reintegrating them into my regular “systems” before becoming my old self – presuming their absence, mixed with months of cigarettes and laying around, hasn’t caused permanent organ damage; also, of course, that I’m not a megalomaniac and this is all in my head.

No longer blindly in love with Tranny, I can, while reactivating those thought patterns, not be dramatically affected by the pain of love lost. Still. In spinning-up the old vigor and fury which were central to my personality, the searing happiness caused by him returns – and thus some of the pain.

So, if all my estimates are accurate, I can return to work, and the world at large, soon. I can’t wait to discover the new and exciting twists of fate that find their way directly up my asshole.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on January 18, 2017.

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