Journal Entry 2-3-17

Tom Waits – Fish In The Jailhouse.

More of a maintenance entry than one driven by need or event. I’m still working out my emotional processes, and uncertain whether the organ pains are derived from the depression or former heavy-smoking – seems a combination. As to the details of my metacognitive processing.. tough to say.

As I mentioned earlier, I rediscovered the emotional state I possessed before depression, and have been trying to foster it. I can’t simply reinvigorate that former state, however, as it was derived from an underlying faith in humanity, and the subsequent expectations of a happy life interacting with them.

With the foundation of my happiness, and the homeostasis which it presumably stimulated lost, a new motivation needs to be established. Mere avoidance of unhappiness and unhealthiness is certainly a motivation, and may end up being all I get, but I hope to find more; at the moment, the best candidate seems the insubstantial imaginations of a brighter future, and cherishing of good memories and works of art displaying healthy human behavior.

I’m learning to directly stimulate and perpetuate the processes that make me happy, as well as those which maintain my physical health, through metacognition – both independently of each other, and in combination; I seem to consistently be gaining increasing degrees control, but am uncertain as the mind is a tricky bitch. Suicidal thoughts have dropped off pretty dramatically. Details to come later.

My day-to-day activities simply consist of spacing out while gaming and watching shows, occasionally meditating, and the usual cooking, cleaning, and such. Essentially, in attempting to improve my health, I’m going about it in a very relaxed and casual manner; while I can make metacognition my main focus and exclude distraction, this method works and I enjoy it. My bank account continues to drain, of course, but a substantial amount remains.

As for my surroundings, nothing much has changed. My volunteering has dropped to only 5-10 hours in the last couple weeks, as the majority of the work around the building is done; what remains is mere maintenance, and working against the owner’s inefficiencies. I’ll likely start working on the rental property soon, for something to do and preparation for summer gardening.

At home, things are changing. The dog, regrettably, is gone: his owner gave him away. A new tenant is in the house, whom is decent, if not partially disconnected from reality – how things go with him are a bit unpredictable, as he can be very reasonable at times, while other times he gets carried away with his unfounded perspectives. He seems to be thoroughly capable of being reasoned with, however, and has integrity.

The owner is soon to move out, and has charged me with keeping things in order. He’s subsequently lowered my rent by a fraction, but more important is my granted control over the behaviors of my co-tenants. For example: at my behest, the new tenant and I have laid out a series of rules for the facilitation of peace and order, which he was happy to have.

Also of note is a third and final tenant, to move in next month. He and I, separately, resided my last rental, which was the flaming shithole filled with perpetual bachelors, drunks, druggies, and felons. We always got along well, and shared the same complaints about our co-tenants, as well as our desires to thoroughly beat substantial quantities of sense into them. I suspect things will go well with him.

That’s all for now. As always: I hope you happen to be the future love of my life, and that I will soon be ejaculating in all of your orifii on a bi-daily basis. To those whom are unfortunately not the love of my life: do play match-maker – I’ll repay you.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on February 3, 2017.

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