Journal Entry 2-14-17 [Happy Valentines!]

Peter Gabriel – The Book Of Love.

Seems obligatory for me to post on Valentine’s day. No progress on my own search for love, but the eventual end of depression seems certain: emotional stability and mental alertness are consistently progressing toward predepression levels. Unfortunately, the abdominal problem remain; I still can’t determine whether it’s source is the depression, cigarettes, the combination, or otherwise.

I’m leaning toward the cigarettes, but will have to confirm by quitting. About a year ago, I had my blood pressure checked; if I recall correctly, mine is in hypertension levels. Aside from years of stress, I can’t imagine other contributing factors. Oh, and I’m uncertain which organs it is specifically: the pain seems to move. There’s a free clinic nearby, that I’ll have to visit.

That aside, things go well at home, which seems to be helping the depression. The new tenants, though causing some initial problems, are learning that my strict rules are beneficial, and have therefore developed genuine respect rather than mere fear or tolerance. It’s good to see some sanity, even if merely a lower grade. And one of them is a tolerable conversationalist, which isn’t bad to have around.

While their maturity is low-grade, it is nevertheless better than the average person’s. When surrounded by decent people, I can.. how to put this? By observing and influencing their behavior, I can test my theoretic model of a community of sane, mature, and intelligent people; through those tests, I see proof, right infront of me, that there is a chance of finding the companionship I desire. That improves my depression, as does metacognitive work.

While on the subject, I suppose I should address something I’ve mentioned elsewhere. I regularly become the de facto leader of my social groups: I usually work the hardest, always develop more efficient methods of addressing whatever activities we share, am highly sociable, am strenuously fair, and my practical and thorough familiarity with the mind causes everyone to seek me out for their problems.

But, the important component in comprehending me is not that I am usually the leader, but that I don’t want to be – I have to be. What I want is that ideal community of sane, mature, and intelligent people whom spend their time improving each others lives, and humanity’s as a whole. But, to get that, I have to play daddy: there is no culture on earth, of which I am aware, that breeds that ideal human condition.

So, when I’m stuck with a group of people, I’ve always had to do it; if I don’t, I have to tolerate whatever insane bullshit they’ve been taught or have failed to outgrow – all of which results in my having to do more work. Ideally, I wouldn’t have to babysit, I’d just be surrounded by equals whom contribute as much to my happiness as I do to theirs; babysitting is simply less work than letting the idiots run free.

While there’s joy to leadership, pride for those whom grow under your care, warmth in seeing them safe and happy, and reward in watching them propagate social order once sanity and maturity takes root within them – acceptance of my role takes years to instill. In the meantime, I have to trick grown fucking adults into acting like grown fucking adults. Not fun.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from consistently playing daddy, its that people whom need a leader don’t like having a leader: the sanity, maturity, and intelligence required of productive independence, is also required for modesty – so, most who need leaders, must be tricked into accepting a leader. Its a tedious process.

Its a simple process for children, since they need a parent to survive, and have yet to develop the wide range of ego-defenses that control the average adult. But, when inveigling an adult into compliance, I have to pretend not to be leading them until they come to the realization and acceptance on their own: if I do otherwise, if I force them to face their deficiencies which demand my leadership, they become defensive, and reject my care.

Why this occurs is no mystery. If a person lacks the integrity for productive independence [crippled mind/body aside], they are at least somewhat insentient, and thus ruled by their thoughtless instincts. Our primitive nature often causes us to be irrational when faced with our own deficiencies, as well as to fear the unknown and react savagely.

Now what, in the realm of reality, could be more terrifying than a strong, intelligent, knowledgeable, and able human, who understands you, wants to influence you, yet you can’t understand in the slightest? By the same rule, in their ignorance and weakness, the masses reflexively reject what is right and good, due to it’s impactful, demanding, and complex nature.

This went in an unpredicted direction. But, I suppose it fits into the Valentine’s Day theme, as I’ve displayed reasons to spend significant portions of your remaining life engulfing my phallus. Anyway. I hope you all have/find fulfilling, lifelong relationships today – or at least someone to safely and thoroughly tenderize your reproductive organs.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on February 14, 2017.

5 Responses to “Journal Entry 2-14-17 [Happy Valentines!]”

  1. Hey Louis,
    Really hope you get the answers you need regarding your abdominal pains. I struggle with depression often too, and even when mentally/emotionally I feel okay (no negative ruminations, things are going well, etc), I still get physical manifestations of it particularly through stomach pain and roaming body aches. Cognitively I’m fine but my body will sometimes have a mind of it’s own (I suppose it’s like the gut-brain). (Depression is like a bum knee that’ll act up every now and then, sometimes there’s no reason for it in my experience, it just comes and goes). In my early 20s after a period of trauma I started getting severe acid reflux(common PTSD manifestation), a feeling of battery acid or a rabid badger gnawing in my guts. It still acts up sometimes, usually during times of stress, and so I’ll take Omeprazole (aka Prilosec) or Esomeprazole(aka Nexium) which helps alleviate it after taking it for 2 weeks. For instant relief I’ll take the herbal supplement Slippery Elm which coats the stomach and provides much needed relief better than Pepto Bismul. Cigarettes can certainly lead to peptic ulcers, and other gastrointestinal distress/disease. Hopefully, that isn’t your case and you’ll find some relief. I smoked for 14 years, and when I finally quit it was because the stomach pain was too much. Smoking was something I very much enjoyed and I miss it every now and again, specifically clove cigs.
    Take it easy!

  2. Em. I’m willing to bet the overall cause is psychosomatic, even if the cigarettes increase the pain to meddlesome degrees: the depression, and the far-reaching perspective and emotional changes associated with it, have greatly destabilized me; usually, I have no physical issues, aside from a mild lung pain that has come and gone throughout the years, despite pushing my body and mind very hard with no concern.

    But now, I can barely work a few hours without becoming tired and unmotivated; I used to work 16 hour days, back to back, and still feel energetic, vigorous, and driven – if not in desperate need of sleep. Now, I am regularly physically cold, my heartbeat barely noticeable, my breathing light; all opposite of my former, regular, physical condition.

    But now, as I’ve addressed the majority of the emotional and mental damage caused by the depression, heartbreak, etc, I’m focusing on the physical damage. In willing the biological process which produce physical health, my body’s getting hotter again, I’m getting thirstier, my hands are more sensitive, my sex drive returns to irritating degrees, and I force heavy bloodflow in my guts – so the old systems are starting to self-perpetuate again, and my guts are feeling better.

    Admittedly, I’m going to measure my physical health with my ability to smoke regularly. Probably not the best idea to do so, but hey, daddy needs his smokes.

  3. Whatever way of measuring works! Do you still plan on going to the free clinic if you’re already starting to see some progress in your physical health?

  4. Em, depends how things go. If I can get my body working like it used to, and smoke the same amount with no pain or odd sensations, I probably won’t bother. But, my plans and current estimations may be completely wrong – happens all the time; if that’s the case, to the clinic I go.

  5. Good luck whichever way it turns out.

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