Journal Entry 2-22-17

Bjork – I Miss You.

So, the last entry got away from me, and I omitted an important current event: I recently made impactful metacognitive progress: I gained meaningful control over thought-processes which previously hindered my overall mental capabilities. Those entrenched processes were the fallout from going bonkers in my adolescence.

As previously stated: a variety of destabilizing circumstances filled me with petrifying mental instability. To stem the self-perpetuating madness, in panic and terror, I made reckless and semi-conscious metacognitive self-alterations. An apt metaphor: I could not control the “chain” of thoughts which perpetuated the insanity, but I could influence a few of the “links.” Break a link, break the chain.

I repressed fundamental thought-processes to achieve that, which both stabilized and severely dulled me, as those specific processes are important ones: my memorization skills, ability to analyze large quantities of data, and more esoteric processes which I don’t fully understand. Essentially, I made an idiot of myself to slow down the wild processes driving me insane. Absent of those higher reasoning skills, I’ve not felt remotely myself.

I’ve never, until recently, found a way to stop the instinctive repression of these fundamental processes; the harder I tried, the more the repression pushed back. That response is exactly how I initially, fumblingly, designed it to act: I crippled my own metacognitive abilities, since they were being utilized by the self-perpetuating madness to make myself worse.

Why and how that madness came about and functioned is a very interesting study, but addressing that would require more preamble than I feel like for the moment. Suffice to say: I was a brilliant, puberty-laden, heavy marijuana using, highly imaginative, heartbroken, often drinking, former abuse victim, spoiled brat, that just spent years doing nothing but playing an MMO, with more metacognitive capabilities than most people ever achieve. Surprisingly, things went badly.

Amusingly, I look back at that time with some fondness: I’ve since overcome the problems which I once found so paralyzing, gaining strength and understanding beyond the pale; now, I face many problems which either cannot be solved, or only be mitigated. It was a more innocent time, where joys accompanied my horrors; now, I just kind of tolerate life.

But, good news is, with the newly acquired insights into my brain, extreme metacognition may become easier and safer; allowing me to do some tricky shit to force happiness. Its a slow process however – and of course, possibly nothing but an elaborate delusion.

That shit aside, my organs have been feeling allot better, as I’ve metacoged them into functioning. Though their improvement may be caused by simply switching brands of cigarettes, which I’m smoking at a rate above the previous average. Still, it’s too early to tell: plenty more testing to do till finally nailing down this damned organ pain issue. Or maybe I’ll luck out and just die already.

Nothing much more I want to cover at present. Try not to ruin the world in my absence, you filthy heathens.

Journal Hub



~ by Louis Naughtic on February 22, 2017.

9 Responses to “Journal Entry 2-22-17”

  1. Glad to read your body is feeling a bit better. Are you still planning on getting checked out at the free clinic? Congrats on making more progress on your metacognitive journey. Sounds like you made a break-through. This post reminds me of this cut-out stop-motion loop animation I did last year if you’re interested in seeing it:

  2. I’ll go if the pain returns to a worrying degree; I’m not fully back to normal, but seems like it’s headed in that direction, given that I’m smoking allot and feel fine.

    “Breakthrough”, I would agree, but willing the repression to stop is only the beginning stage: I’ll have to habituate it to stay off, aswellas reintegrate the previously repressed processes while managing the [now, far more muted] unhealthy patterns it kept in check. Time and effort, which I’m unwilling to fully devote myself to now, as I’m still getting used to the depression being lesser.

    I think I’ll be linking you a build to that filter within a few days, depending on the weather; I’ll put it on the post we were talking on. I fucked up a certain part, but it’ll still work – just requires I do some recalibrating.

  3. Yeah making it into a habit is the way to go about it to build those neuro synapses. It does feel a little strange at first when ones ‘normal’ for a very long time is depression, and when things start to change to feeling not as depressed it’s almost like a new world. For many years my mind would “self soothe” with negative thoughts and emotions because that’s what it was used to, that’s what it felt was ‘home’ so whenever I would do something positive for myself or reached a goal, my mind would habitually find ways to shut down feeling good about myself and instead think destructive self-criticism (way different than constructive self-critique). Through a lot of self work and self reflection I’ve managed to slowly ease out of that worn rut in the road of my mind and created a new path. Looking forward to reading your further progress!
    And looking forward to that link!

  4. Indeed, the mind is capable of a great deal of self-destruction and self-deception – the religions being the most available examples. And I’m sure you’re also familiar with what I believe is termed “transtrenders.” Rather fascinating, that someone might pin the problems of their life on their gender, and somehow imagine those problems fixed merely by pretending to be someone else.

    While I grow increasingly surprised by the depths of insanity people are capable of, I suppose it makes perfect sense: the human mind, like anything else, is a simply a machine; like all machines, the more complex and powerful they are, the more ways they can break – and more potent the fallout. If the human mind can turn the simple and wild world into the mechanized civilization that it is now, then the ways inwhich it can break must be just as grand.

    As for my progress, I’m frankly always frustrated with it, as I’ve had periods of time wherein I’m exceedingly capable: I remember those times, look at myself when I’m being lazy or timid, and become frustrated. But, I’m getting over that these days, since I’m reaching the drop-off point in rewards for maturing. Just gotta get myself capable of working again, then I’ll casually float through life with a simple job and stick to looking for love. If I ever find it, I’ll probably do the same. Will have to get some property and build my own house at some point though, and maybe try writing professionally.

  5. Have you ever read up about or tried nootropics?
    I take B vitamins, Acetyl L-Carnitine, Gingko Biloba, and L-Theanine. Also caffeine (coffee, tea, neurosonics, red bull, I have a caffiene addiction). Could speed up the process and help keep you motivated, it works for me at least.
    Where do you think you’ll apply for jobs?

  6. Oh, the last thing I need is more brain-function; what I need is more control: I have too much power without enough control, which results in chaos. The depression, for example, was not the result of biological imbalance, but of having my god damned heart broken and my dreams crushed; once that happened, I simply didn’t know how to emotionally deal with it, and all my emotions went haywire.

    But no, artificial stimulants seem to destabilize me, making focus harder – though I haven’t done hard drugs or pharmaceuticals. Cigarettes seemingly help me focus by calming my brain down, soothing wild emotions which get in the way of self-control.

    As for a job: whatever’s close and undemanding. My rent’s low, my monthly expenses are low, so I can live a very comfortable life on little pay – my only real goals in life are being healthy, not working [aside from maintain my own home and future farm], and finding love. Though they’re lengthy, you can find further information on all of the above topics throughout the Journal and Let’s Play With My Heart sections of the blog.

  7. Whether people agree to it or not, getting one’s heart broken, break-ups, dreams shattered etc are just as painful(and traumatic) as if there were a death of someone close to you. There’s a grieving process and we all cope differently depending on what resources one has available. In fact, emotional pain activates the same parts of the brain as physical pain, and in some cases can be much more painful. So everything that you’re going through is totally valid.
    You’re regenerating and it takes time, and so it’s exciting to see progress. It’s kind of like finally gaining that level up with all that EXP.

  8. All this I know, though I’d say that physical pain is relatively inconsequential compared to psychological pain, which I’ve had many occasions to experience in a wide variety of flavors – though I suppose I’ve never been sick to near-death, I have vigorously worked and played in conditions that would physically break many.

    Unfortunately, I’m not excited by progressing, as I do not see it as growth, but instead as a.. “setting down” of the burdens life has placed on me. Don’t get me wrong; I know that I’m deepening my self-control and mental strength throughout all of this, which I appreciate, but there’s only so much I want or need, and I may have surpassed those degrees long ago.

    Literally all I want is my own farm [with a bitching internet connection] which can sustain me, and a partner. For that, I don’t need this much emotional strength lol. Though, admittedly, I do like to get problems out of the way early; suppose, once I get myself back in order after this whole ordeal, not much more can mentally stop me.

    Oh fuck me. Except finding the love of my life, sharing our lives for years, then them dieing. Oh, fuck my life.

  9. I can relate to wanting a farm, that’s a dream of mine also. I grew up on a farm and have felt a sense of homesickness ever since. I’d like my own land too. With internet too of course, lol. Woo fiber optics.

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