Journal 3-5-17 [Elitism?]

Zelda – Song Of Storms Remake.

I looked through my large collection of photos of Tranny, which I’ve avoided doing for months due to heartbreak. While looking through them, I thankfully didn’t feel much attachment, nor did I, as previously, imagine our bright and beautiful future together. Instead, I recalled Tranny’s irrationality, and felt repulsion.

While still feeling some pain and hope over our separation, it will fade to distant memory in time. What remains, however, will not be solved so easily: while my mental and physical state is near predepression stability, while my organs are feeling decent despite regular smoking, there remains that whole problem with me and humanity.

I realize now that nearly every single person I meet, from this point onward, will require social engineering: nearly everyone will hate me, in my returning to Plato’s Cave. An odd realization, having previously believed people to essentially all be equal, and prone to rationality and morality.

Previously, I was always ashamed of my history and the stain I imagined it placing upon me. Now, I’m proud of the integrity is has fostered, yet that integrity causes me to be hated. I don’t know how to respond to that. I’m overhauling my perspectives on humanity, and finding a multitude of theories suddenly solidifying, when adding humanity’s savagery to the equation.

Everything is starting to make sense. Since I’ve been able to reason, I’ve believed that actionable truth is superior to comforting lies; but now, with the gravity of my new perspective on humanity, my future is so grotesque that I’m simply at a loss: I never, for a moment, suspected this future.

Throughout my life, when I had to socially engineer people into behaving, I always thought “this one is the exception; most people aren’t all like this.” I was wrong. I thought the quality of character I stringently pursued would grant me steady companionship. I was wrong.

Now, I know there’s a high probability that I’ll be alone the rest of my life. I take solace in memories of somewhat decent people, in artists whom explore the human condition, and in willing happiness through metacognition. But still. My entire perspective on humanity is changing; I wonder if this is what “losing your religion” feels like?

I think of returning to work, and I recall the numerous memories, of one idiot after another, sabotaging me due to their various insanities; it scares and demotivates me. Megacog should address this last issue, allowing me to get back to work. But I still don’t know how to view myself for possessing my new perspectives on humanity.

I am not misanthropic; I genuinely believe the majority of people can be educated to be sane and mature. But, I also genuinely believe that humanity is so rampagingly insane that it will prevent that education tooth and nail – at least in my lifetime. Therefore, I don’t want to associate with average people; they could die for all I cared.

I don’t know how to respond to that. I don’t want anyone to suffer. I don’t want to adopt their norm of sociopathy. I genuinely sympathize with their plights. But from extensive experience and study, I know the majority of people are beyond my means to educate, and respond combatively to the demands of morality.

Therefore, they have nothing to offer me, and are only detriments to my life. I’d care about them if I was rich, therefore not always clawing my way through their omnipresent mess just to make a living – but still in the trenches, my sympathy is pretty low. So, how can I care about them, when they make their own, and everyone else’s lives, worse?

This new outlook is unfamiliar and uncomfortable to me. I don’t like it, but it’s the only choice I’ve found. I really wish life would put on some lipstick if its going to keep fucking me.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on March 5, 2017.

2 Responses to “Journal 3-5-17 [Elitism?]”

  1. A mantra I’ve been following is this, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
    Existential crises can be frightening, that feeling of “losing your religion,” so to speak.
    Using a cooking analogy,
    I don’t think you have to start from scratch, after all the life experience and growth and insight you’ve gained(new ingredients), but rather make something from scratch with those new ingredients to fill your own cup.
    Idk. You Do You, and you know yourself better than I do, as I’m just an internet stranger.
    Nonethless just wanted to comment to offer encouragement.

  2. Oh, a mere perspective overhaul is nothing compared to years in ocean storms of ideas and emotions. But the perspective means the world is far uglier than I imagined. I know I was naive and childish to imagine humanity otherwise, but its still upsetting: I expected joy and fulfillment; I got babysitting. I hope, one day, humanity has to sit down and see the horror of itself; not to encourage itself maturation, but merely as revenge for my tolerance.

    But here’s a koan you may find useful: “A cherry tree in a stone courtyard.”

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