Just Go Away. [Journal 3-15-17]

Bonnie Tyler – I Need A Hero.

So, the depression seems to be ending. Over the last 4 days I’ve worked around 20 hours: 15 digging my garden in the rain, and 5 repairing at the animal shelter. My body’s picking back up accordingly: I’m smoking at predepression rates without physical pain; the pain caused by the weather and hard labor are generating vigor and fitness, aswellas intense hunger and sex drive, rather than aversion.

Mentally, I’m solving problems with fluidity and innovation, and am excited by my work, and in the progression of that work. Though occasionally demotivated, I push on. Increased physicality is improving my general happiness and enjoyment of experiences. The aches and pains which only hard labor can produce, are triggering healthy predepression thought patterns which originate in my younger days of hard labor.

Unfortunately, the main cause of my depression remains: my disillusionment with humanity, and the subsequent realization that my surroundings will always be chaotic due to their idiocy; that my dreams of community are dead. Of course, I could randomly stumble across a sane partner, or even a sane community/work environment, but experience and study has me laughing at the idea.

So, while I’m returning to normal physically, every time I think of going back to work, and thus think of socializing, depression resurges: there’s simply no productive outcome to interacting with the overwhelming majority of people. I try to imagine a better response, but its correct for the situation: a sane person should be saddened by humanity’s perversion; being motivated by this situation is blatantly insane.

Accordingly, seeing no reason to change my perspective –given insufficient evidence disproving my stance– I’m simply trying to accept it. To do this, I’m constantly thinking about humanity’s bullshit: I’m reliving every memory of being fucked over/tolerating stupidity; I’m recalling every fault of humanity, and extrapolating every expression of those faults.

This may seem counter-productive; that I should, instead, be recalling all that is good in humanity. But I know what’s good in humanity; I know the strength, sanity, and morality that people are capable of. It’s my expectation of those positive behaviors that’s causing my depression: I expect people to behave, but I’m emotionally unprepared for their savagery.

In recalling all that’s wrong with humanity, I’m simultaneously numbing myself to it; while forcing myself to think about it, I’m learning to emotionally accept this constant, negative, and completely unnecessary influence on my life. I’m also cementing the wide range of social engineering methods, required of keeping those animals from fucking up my life, in my mind.

Journal Hub



~ by Louis Naughtic on March 15, 2017.

7 Responses to “Just Go Away. [Journal 3-15-17]”

  1. This post reminds me of one of my favorite words: Weltzschmerz
    Welt meaning world,
    schmerz meaning pain
    Weltzschmerz = “World Pain”
    There are a couple of definitions but this one suits the post a bit more: 1: mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state
    Another definition I would use to describe the word would be: A feeling of paralyzing overwhelm over the state of the world, knowing that it could be better.
    German author Jean Paul who coined the term describes it as a kind of feeling experienced by someone who believes that physical reality can never satisfy the demands of the mind.

    There are certainly many definitions for this word, but I found it to be a cathartic word when describing some of my bouts of depression.

    Another good word is Ennui. French. Meaning: “a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.” or “a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest”

    So, how big are you making your garden?

  2. I have a certain beef with German words: one, Tranny was German, but that’s not really fair to the German language; two, people think its so damn amazing that German merely mashes words together to form new meanings – its a common practice. It just stands out with Germans because they make gargantuan words – which is a bad practice. End rant.

    That aside, that’s fucking awesome, and I will certainly be using the word in the future. In exchange, I give you “wolf-fuck”. I think the term is Russian in origin, though I honestly can’t say. What it means is a “desolate and remote place”. For example: a desert is a wolf-fuck. The story behind the word is simple: wolves like to fuck in that type of environment.

    While not a very useful word, I find it psychologically fascinating: wolves being pack-predators, they have allot more common sense than most animals. Thus, they fuck in remote and desolate places, presumably because there is less chance of them being interrupted, and less cover to hide something approaching them.

    Ah, and one of my very favorite words: “Apophenia”. Currently, it means “to see [nonexistent] patterns in random information”, but it’s still finding an audience. I predict it will eventually become synonymous with superstitious “thought”. I like to pull it on a person now and then in an argument – the pedantic are especially confused by it.

    As for the garden: tough to say. With my money running out, and depression to tend to, I can’t invest as much time as I’d like. My wood source is viable however, and the property owner seems happy with the idea – though we need to talk details.

    After that, it comes down to my mere commitment. With my mind still mildly unstable, I can’t make promises. I’ve filtered about 15×10 of a preestablished 20×16. The rest of it should be done in a day’s work. But will I want to continue when I start having to dig sod, level slope, install frames, put up the fences? I suspect I will want to, but my mind’s been tricky the last 10 months.

  3. Wolf-Fuck. That sounds like a very hardcore heavy metal band. I suppose come the apocalypse(I mean this tongue in cheek) the landscape will be a wolf-fuck . I also did not know that about wolves! Food for thought.

    Oh, Apophenia is a fascinating one! I did some research into conspiracy theories/conspiracy ideations (researching into the whys and hows people believe in them, this is not to say -some- aren’t true, but I don’t think the world is run by blood-drinking Lizards. This episode of that podcast goes into it a bit more in depth too: https://youarenotsosmart.com/2016/11/04/yanss-087-the-paranoid-states-of-america/).
    Humans are pattern seeking creatures, and so if something in the pattern that they supposedly see becomes discombobulated they will add it to it to see something that really isn’t there at all. Whether consciously or subconsciously. And you are correct in thinking it could become synonymous with superstitious “thought” because in a lot of ways it already has.

    In reply to the garden, hopefully the drive will stick around since it seems to be helping alleviate more of your depression than adding to it. If you keep up with it, excellent, if not it’s always something you can pick up again.

  4. Em, I know enough about people to know there are no real conspiracies, just allot of shitty people with power: their collective immorality and incompetence can certainly seem concerted, given the uniformity in the expression of those behaviors – and, of course, their shared goals and overlapping influence means they do cooperate.

    But, being sociopathic, they lack the higher reasoning skills to truly orchestrate the top-tier social engineering that conspiracy theorists suspect: if they were at all bright, they’d understand the futility in hording resources over developing a healthy society: you don’t need to horde when surrounded by decent people. Though I don’t mean to say there aren’t plenty of rich idiots whom relish exploitation of others.

    Living creatures seek pattern; its the only way to interpret the world. The problem with being alive is that we are designed to live, not be sentient. In the process of living, the machinations that compose our minds most often malfunction in their attempts to keep us alive, and lead to various forms of insanity that are self-destruction. Only way to solve those problems is sentience, but by that point, we’re usually too damned crazy to change without severe conditions. You may not be familiar with the superstitious pigeon experiment? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtfQlkGwE2U

    Ya, we’ll see about the garden. I’m not very worried about finding work when its time though, and even can go back to that shitty job with the OCD guy – I think there are journal entries somewhere around.. August? Point is: I’ll be fine either way.

  5. Ah, quite the compelling experiment, thanks for the link.
    This is a published article of mine from a couple years ago pertaining to my research if you’re interested, no pressure: http://hpr1.com/index.php/feature/news/conspiracy-theories-are-now-mainstream/

    One last question and I’ll stop pestering, do you think you’ll work as a cook again or do you prefer more of the landscaping realm?

  6. I never said you were pestering me.

    And though a decent read, its not my style: I make a point of addressing the cause, not the symptoms, of a problem. That is to say: my overarching philosophy regarding faults in human reasoning is that people are insentient – thus unable to see the faults in their instinct driven “reasoning”. Thus, no reason to address a symptom [in this case, possibly faulty public perceptions of conspiracy theorists], when one can address the cause [poor reasoning skills]. “Teach a man to fish”, and such.

    Even when faced with people whom refuse to learn how to reason, I frankly support the removal of their freedom, and forcing education on them, rather than patiently manipulating them into growing up. A morally complex prospect, I’m aware, but most people support the system without knowing it – just as they unwitting support the kidnapping, torture, and murder of people whom don’t agree with their political beliefs, in supporting the judicial system: execution is murder; imprisonment is kidnapping and torture; the motives behind the act don’t change the act itself.

    As far as work goes, I just want a job where I’m left alone: I always tolerated people’s bullshit under the expectation that they would change when I showed them benefits to do so; experience and study has taught me that almost never happens. And while I’ve met some reasonable people, I’ve yet to meet any who covered my back when I invariably trigger the nearest shithead’s “backfire effect” – which occurs merely through my presence, completely devoid of any attempt to reason with them, and results in their saboteuring.

    So, probably not a cook, as I’m in very intimate activity with a small group; one shithead will bring it all down, and with the high turnover common to kitchens, that’s allot of possible shitheads. Landscaping, probably not: I detest jobs that require my traveling to new locations regularly. I’ll probably get some retail job, or maybe a security job through the company my roommate works for.

  7. Thanks for giving it a read, and I can see your points. Thanks for the feedback.
    Good luck on the job hunt. Since we’re heading into the spring season I’m sure all sorts of opportunities could be popping up. A cousin of mine has been working at National Parks as a Park Ranger. She was stationed in Utah for awhile and now has a nifty gig in New Mexico. A few friends of mine are Mail Carrier’s and USPS is hiring all the time. From what I hear they have great pay and benefits. One friend does a rural route and so she just drives around alone all day delivering mail–doesn’t have to deal with anyone. I had thought about applying for UPS, Fedex, or USPS before I landed the job I have now. Anyway, these are just some ideas I thought I’d share.

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