Weltschmerz [Journal 3-17-17]

Akira – Kaneda.

My mood is following a consistent and comprehensible pattern. Every day, I wake up, remember humanity sucks, and am demotivated for a few hours by weltschmerz; then I force myself to start working, and continue til around sundown; afterwhich I shower, cook, then relax the rest of the night – only occasionally being brought down by depression. Though an inideal pattern, it’s still progress.

Once I start working, and throughout the associated night, I feel great: I’m my old self – better even, at times, due to the hard labor encouraging vigor. But when I wake up, when not mentally prepared to recall humanity’s savagery, depression takes hold; as it does when I have to socialize with idiots.

Again: though inideal, this is still progress: I’ve more-or-less confirmed the root cause of my depression, and once its addressed, I should be stronger than ever; nothing else seems to be generating depression. But, still in the initial stages of testing this theory, we’ll see what happens.

The vigorous labor is of course causing me to harden, which my body tends to do quickly. Unfortunately, the consistently reoccurring depression is hindering the process: usually, this degree of work causes a specific sensation with higher than current persistence – a “crawling under my skin.” I don’t mean that in a negative way, I just can’t think of a better way to put it; its my muscles regrowing.

Usually, during that regrowth, a chunk of my conscious mind becomes semi-conscious, as it instinctively facilitates the regrowth process. But, if I’m interpreting my mental processes correctly, it seems that when my subconscious is deciding whether or not to invest in the regrowth process, when it does the cost-benefit-analysis, depression says “Ya, but the world sucks anyway, why bother?”

This expression of depression falls inline with the past psychosomatically caused physical issues, so I should be able to fix it as I have the others. I’ll just work harder, overwhelming the psychological pain with physical pain, which should trigger the regrowth process to higher degrees.

The extra workload shouldn’t be at all dangerous, as I’ve worked far harder in the past; from past experience, the more physical pain I feel, the faster and better I heal. Mentally, I could cook for 14 hours, in a very high-speed setting, and only got faster and smarter the longer the day went. Had a hell of a headache the next morning though. But physically speaking, as long as the work isn’t cardio, and I get proper food, water, and sleep, I rarely stop while still working harder than most.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on March 17, 2017.

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