Gotta get lucky sometime. [Journal 3-23-17]

The Seatbelts – Real Folk Blues.

Well I’m confused. The night of my last post, I was tired from the week’s work, yet I only slept six hours. I prefer eight to nine hours, and usually feel shitty with only six. Nevertheless, I woke up feeling.. happy. It seems that merely accepting I finally have to give in, and commit to the metacog which I fear, set something in motion. Some emotional process just kind of “fell into place,” allowing me more self-control, and very comfortably.

I’ve been very wary since, as the change is rather dramatic, though not to the extent I need for me to “feel right.” At first, I worried that this sudden, unexpected, and impactful change must have an unhealthy cause: perhaps I’m bipolar? My mother has the condition, but given her gluttonous drug-usage, she’s not worth measuring against.

In the past, I’ve always been very emotionally stable, so I don’t think its bipolarity. I think that merely accepting my situation had a positive subconscious effect. I recall, when around 15, in Alaska, my step-father kept trying to teach me to use a four-wheeler. I never figured it out, primarily because I was simply scared of the thing.

But when an emergency came, when I had no other choice but to use the vehicle immediately, I did it instantly. Though I think I may have lightly damaged the vehicle in the process. Nevertheless, that’s an example of my brain simply working when it had to. A similar situation can be said to have occurred when I moved in with my Great Uncle, and had no choice but to start working after years of avoiding it.

In analyzing this recent phenomenon, I recalled a component of my life that I’ve forgotten: when I was a boy [I don’t know when it started, but I know it stopped around the time I was having mental issues] I could never fall asleep quickly; I would always lay in bed, very mentally active, for an hour or more before falling asleep – no matter how tired. If I’m recalling that correctly, my current brain activity is similar to the sensation that occurred then.

To clarify, I was not, nor have I ever been, an insomniac. I simply thought before I slept. The thought process was.. semi-conscious. And if I’m correct, I was consistently doing the type of emotional processing which I now instinctively avoid. Anyway, I’m still testing it out to see what the actual fuck is going on.

For that testing, I’m simply following my mood: doing whatever I feel like doing, without trying to especially guide my thoughts or actions. When behaving thusly, various forms of repression are persistent, which calms unruly and unstable mental patterns. So, this hands-off approach may be unproductive, as the new mental capability may become repressed, but this is the best way to test it’s legitimacy.

If its a genuinely deep change, it will survive my usual subconscious instincts to repress thoughts and emotions. If that occurs, I can start learning to control it, and integrate it into my consistent metacog. Which means I may be finished with depression very soon.

Ah, to specify about that new psychologic change: I suddenly have easy and comfortable access to mental processes which previously required a great deal of time, effort, and discomfort to influence – and the influences I made were rarely lasting: they would be repressed, as attempting to integrate them into my consistent thought patterns caused unstable thoughts and emotions.

So, I don’t fucking know what’s going on. And, as any good strategist, I’m highly suspicious of all good fortune.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on March 23, 2017.

5 Responses to “Gotta get lucky sometime. [Journal 3-23-17]”

  1. There are many brilliant artists and minds out there throughout history to be touched by fire that is manic-depression. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_with_bipolar_disorder)

    Everyone experiences it differently. There are 5 types of bipolar disorder: Bipolar 1, Bipolar 2, Cyclothymic disorder, Mixed features, and Rapid Cycling.

    Bipolar 1 is considered the most extreme, requires at least one full-blown manic episode that results in a hospitalization and severe depressive episodes to be diagnosed. Manic episodes can last up to 4 months if left untreated, and severe depressive episodes can last from 6 months to more than a year.

    Bipolar 2 is a milder form involving hypomanic states (that don’t result in complete detachment from reality, could simply be euphoria, or in other cases intense irritability, but it’s a milder form of mania) and also severe depressive episodes.

    Cyclothymic disorder is a type of bipolar disorder that has very short bouts of hypomaniac symptoms alternating with brief periods of depressive symptoms that do not last as long as in full hypomanic episodes or full depressive episodes.

    Mixed Features is where the person experiences both mania and depression at the same time, it’s also most dangerous because acting on suicidal thoughts becomes a very heightened risk.

    Rapid Cycling is where the person with bipolar disorder experiences 4 or more episodes (of either depression or mania) in less than 12 months.

    I’d like to note(disclaimer) that one should always talk to a health-care professional if these symptoms occur and are disrupting ones life.
    That being said, someone with 1 parent who has bipolar disorder has about 10%-25% chance of it manifesting. Much of it is a cocktail of several genetic factors mixed in with environmental factors too(stress, trauma, etc). Stress in and of itself doesn’t cause bipolar disorder, but those that may have a genetic predisposition to it are at a risk of it tipping one of the dominoes. So having healthy coping skills (such as metacog and the meditation that you do) and also avoiding excessive drug and alcohol is a very wise choice(even avoiding stimulants like caffeine). Excessive drug and alcohol use is a symptom of the disorder(a form of self-medication), and often exacerbates it thus making it worse.

    And of course just breaking through depression is just that, breaking through depression and feeling happy—especially considering all the self-work that you’re doing. =) If you have any questions about Manic-Depression I can definitely offer some insights. I can also relate to feeling suspicious when things are taking a good turn of luck.

  2. I honestly don’t think its bipolarity, or any real mental disorder, but investigating all possibilities is usually a good idea. I’ve been stable since; I’m not unduIy energetic or optimistic; I’m not having mood swings; I’m not filled with irresponsible dreams. I genuinely think the metacog is simply lining up.

    There’s a sort of automated psychological wall in my head, of repression, which keeps disorderly emotions and thoughts in check. Unfortunately, as stated throughout the blog, that wall also cripples certain fundamental, healthy thought processes.

    I’ve been taking the whole problem apart since it started, developing understanding of bits and pieces of it at a time; and have even gained control of the major components which force the repression, allowing me to shut it down, for a day or two at a time.

    But, because that results in opening the flood gates of new wild emotions and thoughts, as previously crippled fundamental processes become hyper-active, I usually just go back to repressing. So, I make a little progress, then I regress, then repeat. Overtime, the progress I make slowly sticks, and the individual pieces I’ve figured out start linking up.

    Now, whether or not what’s currently occurring is a consciously created breakthrough, I don’t know. What I know is I’m starting to feel like I did before my teens, when problems just rolled the fuck off me, and I inhaled information. That implies that the consciously driven metacog is working, and reactivating the old, instinctive metacog that kept me fucking amazing.

    Or I’m a megalomaniac. There’s always that possibility. That aside, while I’m not especially interested in discussing manic depression [at least, while I still seem fine], I’m usually interested in hearing a person’s take on their own psychologic problems: the mind, above all things, fascinates me.

    If you’re uncomfortable with that, no issue. Most people get really, really uncomfortable when I crawl around in their heads – which is perfectly understandable, as I tend to find things they didn’t want seen, or themselves did not know was there. Open invitation, though seriously consider the ramifications of the action.

    P.S. I HOPE YOU LIKE KITTIES

  3. Well, it sounds like you’re making progress, two steps forward, one step back, still a step ahead.

    I’m not sure I understand the “seriously consider the ramifications of the action,”?
    And yes I like cats

  4. Like I said: it makes people uncomfortable when I poke around in their heads. Take this blog for example: I’m essentially mapping out my entire mind/soul/whatever. That requires covering the good, the bad, and the ugly; course, I admittedly leave out the ugliest part, but its on the net afterall.

    So, I explore and map out people’s minds in the same way I do my own, since the subject is so interesting to me. But people aren’t as comfortable with it as I am: most repress just about everything to keep themselves functional, whereas I’m less functional without a cohesive and global self-awareness.

    So, when asking people about their thoughts and lives, it can lead to severe discomfort, I often trigger unhealthy responses – and I don’t mean mere discomfort. Its just not a productive activity for everyone.

  5. Thanks for the invitation but I respectfully decline.

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