Progress Into Hell. [Journal 3-27-17]

Phantom Of The Opera – The Music Of The Night.

My mental state remains stable and productive. I’ve been somewhat physically tired, but I think that’s a combination of less sleep, being preoccupied with the recent breakthrough, and preparing the shelter for an adoption event. I’ve been leaving my thought processes alone for the most part, merely observing, and the new component has remained in place, with it’s effects consistent.

When I felt toying with it wouldn’t risk it’s stability, I’ve willfully attempted wallowing in the weltschmerz that’s fueled my depression, aswellas thoughts of Tranny. I did this to test it’s stability. That intentional wallowing didn’t bring down my mood, instead leading to healthy emotional coping.

Not only is it stable, and fostering mental health, but it’s also allowing me conscious access to the aforementioned, repressed, fundamental thought processes. My mind is becoming my own again, rather than a mess of depression and the old, instinctive repressions. There’s still work to do before I can get back to predepression mental health, and a great deal more before I meet my metacog goals.

Nevertheless, for the moment, I seem to be in a very good position. If I had to guess, I’d say that, mentally, all my work is starting to align. This does not change my perspective on humanity’s savagery [the weltschmerz’s fuel], but I’m learning to accept the situation. More interesting to me, than the depression ending, is reaching deeper into my mind, and salvaging older patterns of thought, and building new.

Previous metacog capabilities allowed me to fluidly address life’s problems; that’s of course useful. But more importantly: I enjoyed life immensely, I even enjoyed challenges rather than simply being annoyed by the hassle. I’ve not been myself these 15 years, have not been remotely as happy as I once was, have been a smaller person, and it’s been haunting to say the least.

I measure my life against what it was, and who I was; the frustration is monolithic. In these years, I’ve learned a wide variety of practical skills, about the socioeconomics and sociology that runs the world, about the nature of the human condition. And though an accomplishment, I see the knowledge as a necessity, rather than of interest – their applicability to metacog aside.

My interest, my love, is metacognition. Forcing cheery tolerance and mild happiness is well and good, as is the ability to solve problems and acquire proficiency, but these are relatively minor benefits of metacog– a foundation fromwhich to build far greater structures of thought and emotion, all leading to the greatest possession one can have: happiness and contentment in every moment – especially the darkest.

Oh, and Barathrum and Morticia are cuddling now.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on March 27, 2017.

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