Unearned Strength Is Treacherous [Journal 3-29-17]

Tom Waits – King Kong.

Though I don’t mean to sound like a Munchhausen, issues caused by the depression are reoccurring, and I’m glad for it. The sudden and unexpected cessation of weltschmerz, and the suspiciously convenient cessation of abdominal pain caused by switching brands of cigarettes, both unsettled me: not because the problems were solved, but because they were solved with too little understanding.

Though I’d prefer these issues never returned, how they’ve returned is ideal. The weltschmerz resurges, now that the thought pattern which nullified it [which originated and ultimately operated subconsciously], is being overwhelmed by instinctive repression. This is no problem, however, as I’ve been observing the overall process, and have thus gained enough conscious control to will that nullifying pattern.

As for the abdominal pain, it returns while I am not experiencing substantial depression, and am smoking extensively. So, while the depression no-doubt facilitated the abdominal pain, it’s primary source is certainly the cigarettes. With the problem coming and going in tandem with my rate of smoking, there is a simple solution: quit smoking. While I may not want to do that for awhile, at least there’s a simple solution.

That’s really all I wanted to say. The entry is a bit short though, so I suppose I’ll ramble. I woke up to a dream of rampaging my way through a spaceship filled with thousands of zombies/monsters, then the ship landing. Once landed, the competing groups of people on the ship, whom would have previously killed each other over control of limited resources, dropped their animosities.

Perhaps that’s a metaphor for my current psychological situation; perhaps I’ve been watching too many shows; perhaps it’s a random event; perhaps I just need to treat a cervix like a punching bag. Well, I know I need the last one, but no one told me people suck, so I didn’t spend my childhood gathering the marketable skills required of a whore-budget.

What else, what else? Oh, my crazy old boss seems to be trying to draw me back in, which could be useful. Though he’s got pretty severe OCD and socializing issues, he’s still only one lunatic; I’ll take dealing with one lunatic over dealing with the numerous, lesser lunatics, that the normal job entails: gotta socially engineer all the idiots anyway, one is easier than multiple. So, might work for him for a bit, to extend my “depression vacation.”


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~ by Louis Naughtic on March 29, 2017.

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