I Met A Girl. [Journal 4-13-17]

Daughter – Youth.

Don’t worry, this absurd blog won’t end yet [ha, like anyone fucking cares]. I said I met a girl, not “fell in love, solved all my problems, and stopped needing to be here.” Nor did I say that we were romantically compatible. It’s just important to comment on, as I get to grimly observe my love-starved brain react to her presence.

Though I find her interesting, and she’s lightly flirting, she also seems to possess many “deal-breakers.” Infact, she’s allot like Tranny. But that aside, the more interesting note is my mind’s reaction to her presence. Aside from my ever-present horniness having a person to focus on, dreams of love, happiness, and contentment with her are worming their way into my conscious mind – encouraging me to overlook her faults and throw myself at her. I barely know her at all. Thanks, brain.

I really need to learn to accept that I’m completely fucked on the social front – save myself so much energy and heartbreak. Speaking of, metacog goes swimmingly. I started smoking full-steam again, as I seem to have found a.. fuck I have to start inventing terminology for metacog.. I found a mental process I can consciously influence to instantly nullify the pain from my [kidneys].

I’ve tested and repeated this effect without flaw for a week or so. Whether I’m numbing the pain, or causing my [kidneys] to function properly, I don’t know. What I know is I need my cigarettes, and am thus going to try to keep this working. I’m not going to discuss how I found the process or how it works, at the moment, as covering metacog indepth will be a future project, for when I’m finally functional enough to work and think properly again.

The deadline for being functional is fast approaching, as I’m running out of money, so my attention goes there for now. On that subject: I’m learning to consciously maintain a persistent interface with my related mental processes. As previously stated, I’m simply willing a healthy state of mind while facing the weltschmerz which keeps me depressed.

I look at the world, my prospects in it, and become depressed, which makes me nonfunctional by psychosomatically weakening me physically and mentally. To prevent this, I consistently keep those depressing prospects in mind, observe my emotional responses, and will away the depressing responses, replacing them with processes that keep me happy and healthy. It’s starting to work consistently.

Which has got me really confused. I understand the metacog occurring –though I can’t accurately explain the process given the nonexistence of the necessary verbiage– but what’s really got me stumped is.. how to emotionally respond now? As I said, I’m confused, so I’m not really certain, at the moment, how to phrase this.

I still detest the world, and my position in it. But I can function well, even far better than most. I go through the motions, understanding that the overwhelming majority of my effort is a complete waste, given the circumstances I’m in – hating every moment of it. But I’m still mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy, even happy, when my metacog is functioning fully.

How do I respond to this? Is this good or bad? How do I view the whole situation? How the hell is my subconscious going to react to this, and what work will I have to do to clean up that presumed mess? I don’t know. What I do know is, without this metacog, I’m determinedly suicidal; I need this to stay alive.

As previously stated, I focus on the good parts of life to keep me motivated: the art and works which are evidence of sane and intelligent people existing; they also serve as a sortof one-way discourse, mildly placating my need for mature interaction. But, I don’t have any of those people in my life. Very disheartening, especially when surrounded by lunatics and imbeciles whom hinder my daily activities merely because they’re allergic to rationality.

Fuck you very much, Life.

Oh, right, Barathrum finally got his eye surgery! He’s so happy, despite his eyes still healing.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on April 13, 2017.

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