“You Have Tremendous Integrity.” [Journal 4-29-17]

Crybaby – Please Mr. Jailer.

Woke up with a rager I could cut a steak with. And my lung/heart hurts. While inconvenient, both are good signs. My sex drive has returned to previous norms, meaning that if home all day, I could masturbate 3-6 times. My heart, and it’s associated lung hurting, while obviously not great, is somewhat my equilibrium: it’s come and gone for years, absent of any [kidney] pain.

The reason for the increased sex drive is simple: my body is functioning much better. I’m terrified to think of the amount of ass I’d destroy if I were in shape. They’d call me the Bootynator. The heart/lung pain is due to smoking at predepression rates – yet there’s little-to-no [kidney] pain. While the chest pain is a bad thing, it’s still better than the [kidney] pain: the chest pain barely slows me, while [kidney] pain heralds physical and mental weakness. So, I’m back to thinking the [kidneys] pain was primarily psychosomatic.

These two physical events are indicators of the larger pattern, which is my improvement. Metacog continues to work, though it remains a slow process – yet to create the fluid and burning mind I once possessed. Nevertheless, along with the physical improvements, are mental ones. As previously stated, I’m longing for safe and familiar settings and surroundings, but have no such thing. Thankfully, a solution has come.

In my earlier years, I had a very vivid imagination and memory. My memory was so strong that I could nearly relive past events. I don’t have eidetic memory, but I used to remember my thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, and surroundings, during important events with surprising detail. Since going batshit crazy, that’s been severely muted. The reason for this is simple: I needed to slow my mental functions to prevent the crazy from activating.

But now, as I reactivate mental functions which I previously had to suppress, my memory’s vivacity returns. With that return, comes the ability to recall pleasant memories and mental states. So, when overhauling my mind generates a need for comfort, I recall better times. While placating the impulse for safety and familiarity, as well as merely being pleasant in general, this capability grants another boon.

Recent metacog work, inwhich I was forcibly willing myself to be functional, absent of any contentment, came with a price: I was becoming increasingly emotionally numb, the only persistent emotions being hatred and vainglory. Hatred has been a common component of my psychology throughout the years, but it never ruled me, never determined my actions; I always directed and precisely controlled it to productive ends. Vainglory never existed, and I always reprimanded myself for it’s occurrence.

But, with the ability to force myself to be functional, without any enjoyment of life, I was left with one last pleasure: imagining the establishment of social order, soasto build a good life, through violently addressing the people whom cause disorder. While an arguably noble desire, it’s nevertheless an unproductive one, given the current state of the judicial system: I couldn’t walk around dispensing frontier justice without being incarcerated, no matter how righteous my cause or sagacious my methodology.

Though don’t get me wrong. Even at my most magnanimous, I still want to literally beat sense into most people, and completely defend the death penalty, given the current state of the world. But usually, I just ignore those idiots and lunatics, and peacefully go about my business, simply accepting there’s nothing I can do. Well, except run extremely elaborate social engineering which forces people to comprehend their insanity, then the magnitude of my mastery over them and a depth of morality they never imagined.

That’s all for now. Send feminine nudes/dirty panties.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on April 29, 2017.

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