Price Of Courage [journal 5-19-17]

Garrett Hedlund – Fall Apart.

Metacognition goes well. Very well, infact, as I seem to be successfully facing my largest problem. Outlined here and here, and elsewhere in the blog, I’ve had many failures in metacognition; those failures have cost me severely. The most influential and persistent problem, created from such failures, simultaneously protects me from more dangerous problems.

Simply put, I have an ever-persistent repression; that repression keeps the dangerous mental patterns, originating from reckless metacognitive experimentation, from becoming active. Which is great. But, that repression simultaneously cripples all my metacognitive efforts. In essence: the repression, a blunt instrument created out of desperation and ignorance, keeps me stupid, so that the unbridled thoughts patterns, which I built in that same ignorance, don’t get out of control.

Good times. Anyway, I’m currently dismantling that Great Wall Of Repression. It’s confusing. The very purpose of the repression is to keep certain thoughts inactive. Thus, stopping the repression starts those thoughts up. One might imagine myself unleashing a can of worms, but I have not been inactive these last 15 years. I’ve, bit by bit, analyzed and altered the more dangerous processes, turning them productive or inert.

Still, when lessening the influence of repression, I quickly become a different person – such is the potency of the mental functions kept subdued. I don’t mean to say I have multiple personality disorder; I’m just saying my thoughts, emotions, and physical experience, change to such degrees that I, and others, are wary of the disparity.

And those changes are not caused by the aforementioned dangerous mental patterns; they are due to my mind becoming far more active, and persistently metacognating, in the absence of repression. Unfortunately, the increased mental function and metacog aren’t always under my conscious control.

But I understand quite a bit, so the increased functions aren’t dangerously unstable. They may, however, have the potential to become so. With my mind reinvigorating, with reactivation of semi-conscious metacog generating my former mental scope –and finally, after all these years, beginning to feel myself again– the paralyzing terror fueling repression sharpens.

For that broader state of mind makes the terror, elaborated upon in the linked journal page, possible. A simpler mind can only see a distant silhouette of those horrors, as an animal cannot share the depth of emotion common among people. Even while currently experiencing suicidal depression, and requiring metacog to reinvigorate my mind, the repulsion of those long-past experiences makes me want to repress. In short, the repression is very powerfully motivated.

It keeps my metacog work from becoming permanently established, as the more I metacog, the more I relive those experiences, the more I instinctively repress. Thus the repression’s persistence despite my years of effort. But now, with my collective metacog work, and need to overcome depression to survive, it’s time to push through. So, as stated herein, I have to stop running from the unpleasant memories which fuel the repression. I have to reexperience them, soasto analyze them, soasto control them. Should be allot of fun?

All that, or I’m a megalomaniac. Bow


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~ by Louis Naughtic on May 19, 2017.

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