Sarcasm Scares Idiots. [journal 5-28-17]

Nina Simone – Feeling Good.

Throughout the journals, I’ve repeated and thoroughly overestimated my ability to overcome my depression. I’ve repeatedly stated that it will end soon, that metacog is working miracles, that I feel close to my old self, etc. And there was the confusion with the abdominal pain – which I’m still not certain about, despite repeatedly proclaiming otherwise.

And here I remain, depressed, not working, and isolated. I never meant to mislead regarding my progress, I was simply wrong. Perhaps every mismeasurement was encouraged by arrogance, or fueled by ignorance of how deep the problem ran, or any other number of causes. In any case, I was wrong, even if each statement accompanied some degree of progress. At the very least, I should have been more precise.

Along that line of thought, let’s do some.. confessing? I’m not really sure what to call it, but I want to tie up some loose-ends through the journal. Basically, I don’t want to give the impression that I’m falsely portraying myself, so I wanna confess to some failings.

First, the garden. Originally pursued to aid the depression, it has not done so, and I’ve thus mostly abandoned it. My seedlings are alive, my initial plot is prepped, but I may not bother putting them in the ground. In either case, my damned source of wood is gone, so no fencing. I do love gardening, but this depression, yo. I may give it another try later, but for now it has almost no priority.

Second, the shelter. Currently, I only go a few hours a week, if that. I don’t plan to increase that rate, only decrease it, with a possible increase immediately before getting a paying job. I don’t want to go for the simple reason that the owner is incapable of maintaining an orderly environment. The more I clean, organize, fix, and streamline, the more chaos she creates to fill the gaps. I fucking detest that.

Now, back to the meat of the journal. I’d recently done a large quantity of meditation – using my standard method, discussed here. I stopping progressing however, despite being onto something crucial. To recap, that “something crucial” was consciously and perpetually interfacing with pivotal emotions and thought-processes, for the purpose of controlling them. Hopefully, they’ll be the tools I need to end the depression.

Because I hit a wall with lay-down meditation, I started meditating while walking. A more difficult practice, but one which facilitates blending the meditative state of mind with the everyday state of mind. Basically, while walking, thought-processes related to everyday life become active. While they’re active, I blend them with the thought-processes built in lay-down meditation – the state wherein I explicitly exclude the outside world so I can focus.

Anyway, after that week or so of intensive lay-down meditation, I was doing the walking meditation for around two weeks. I walked maybe every other day, or every third day, often for 1-3 hours. I had stopped smoking for about the last three days of the walking meditation, and generally cutting back before then. The reason for that is not a desire to quit, but because quitting facilitates metacog.

Interestingly, smoking seems to “numb” sections of my mind that facilitate metacog. This phenomenon may explain quite a bit of my mental history. When having not smoked merely a day or two, the metacog I’m trying for becomes far easier.  I’m still bitch-scared of the metacog work that needs doing, even with that increased ease, but that’s an entirely different problem.

So, I did the walking meditation, things were going great, then I relaxed. Spent the last few days smoking and gaming; basically just spacing out. I’ve become increasingly depressed during this time, where I was previously optimistic due to the metacog. While pursuing metacog makes me feel better than wallowing in depression, doing so is still an emotionally unsettling activity. So I go back to my old, safe distractions.

This two-steps-forward-one-step-back always happens. I get cocky, relax, and regress. Then, having regressed makes me ashamed and disappointed in myself, which causes more regression. But I’ve come to expect this pattern, and I’m learning to accept it, and hopefully break the cycle with this new metacog find.

But that’s enough on that for now. Oh, I’ve still got 3 months before I’m riding the edge of my savings. I’m prioritizing killing off depression over keeping my cash. When I feel well, or get too close to running outta cash, I’ll get work. Hopefully. Maybe I’ll end up under a bridge, sucking dog dicks for some food.

Thanks humanity; your worthlessness is a constant –like the North Star– by which I steer my life.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on May 28, 2017.

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