The Overview Effect [Journal 6-24-17]

Bjork – All Is Full Of Love.

I woke up today, in a nearly predepression manner: When I became conscious, I didn’t lay in bed semi-conscious an hour or more, avoiding reality; I was energetic upon waking, and my energy levels perpetually ramped up; once ramped, my mind began racing, seeking productive activity to latch onto. This occurred for a simple reason: last night, I made inroads into the repressed area of my mind – the area most heavily involved with psychologic self-alteration and control.

Though awake and energetic, I laid in bed for two hours, thinking less time had passed, meditating. This is extremely odd, as I’m usually overcome by the compulsion to stop meditating within an hour – especially when tinkering with the repressed areas, which I was specifically targeting. But, I seem to have found the “psychologic movements” required to bypass that avoidance behavior. Infact, I’m finally desiring to throw myself at meditation, and set my mind in order. But we’ll see how long that lasts.

This has been one of the most confusing factors of this overall situation, to me. In work, in my private life, in play, I am orderly. I enjoy order, as it allows me to be more efficient, and thus effective, allowing me to get more out of life. Being orderly, enjoying creating order, I love organizing, and I love fixing problems that create disorder and inefficiency. I become gleefully absorbed in learning about new problems while fixing them, and simultaneously adding to my overall knowledge of life. That is a core component of my personality.

Yet, I run from that damned repression before I even know I’m approaching it. I’m used to becoming nearly obsessed by any problem that crosses me, then mastering it. I enjoy the process of analyses, not merely the end result of arriving at a solution. But this damn repression just shuts down the majority of my mental processes when I try fucking with it. I am disarmed before I can even begin. So, damn thing’s confusing.

Anyway, back to the point. More for my sake than yours — as you wouldn’t necessarily understand what I’m saying, even if I could explain it well – I’m going to explain how I arrived at my current mental state. First of all, I found the single thought process that is the core of my depression: the realization that the majority of humanity is pathetically savage, and thus my hopes and dreams of community are dead – these were the driving motivation behind all my actions.

Once found, I moved it around. Basically, I repressed that realization and it’s subsequent influence on my mind, while simultaneously reactivating my faith in humanity and it’s subsequent influence. Functionally, I “reset” my mental processes to a predepression state; I could only hold this state for moments at a time. Well, attached to that state, which was once the core of my thought processes, is the majority of the metacog I’ve developed over the years – post-repression.

Confusing, I know. I’m not going to try to elaborate, because again, this is more for me than you – and, at the moment, there is no “you.” Anyway, I’ve known I could do the above for awhile, but couldn’t do much with it, given the influence of repression. But now, developing increasing influence over the repression, I was able to combine the two processes, which supported each other. I spent maybe three hours in lay-down meditation, and two in walking meditation, yesterday. Apparently, I appeared intimidating during that walking meditation, as a cop actually pulled over to subtly interrogate me. Fucking people.

Continuing with the more-for-me-than-you-theme, details of the experience follow – that are not intentionally clarified. So, during this morning’s meditation, a variety of things occurred. My lungs started hurting, which I imagine is a sign of my metabolism kicking back in. My kidneys felt better. Bloodflow to them usually increases measurably whenever I do the “depression reset” trick. They’ve been producing a faint background pain, for weeks at least – I unknowingly ignore it most of the time, being so minor. My guts in general just felt more “orderly.”

Most importantly, the areas of my mind that repression’s locked off were reactivating and reintegrating into my consciousness, though in feeble disrepair. Nevertheless, though it’s been so long since I fully experienced their function, I recognized them. I recognized these parts of myself, lost. I was recalling the sensations and thoughts these locked off areas once regularly produced, and the memories of my life, wherein they were most active.

Oh right, and I had a decent cry while listening to the song featured here, and thinking about Tranny. Not a solid, face-all-snotty-and-wet cry, but still a decent cry. I’ve needed one but couldn’t manage. Good times. Looks like I might not be such a fuckup afterall. Everything’s going to work out today! All my problems solved! Happiness! Love! Pussy! Functioning kidneys! Or it’ll all fall apart again.

Find out on the next exciting episode of One Of The Only Sane Fuckers On Earth!

Seven billion of you. Honestly. Get your shit together, you filthy animals.


Journal Hub

Homepage

Advertisements

~ by Louis Naughtic on June 24, 2017.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s