Ding Zui [Journal Entry 6-31-17]

Screamin’ Jay Hawkins – Portrait Of A Man.

As has been stated throughout the journals, I often become slightly superstitious when observing the coincidences of my life. And saddened, noting the tendency for those coincidences to jam new and exciting objects inside of me. Beginning to scrape the barrel of my savings, and having made a recent breakthrough in metacognition, excited to start fresh, I am now – as seems the only possibility – blindsided.

My roommates have apparently found numerous qualms with my behavior. I talked to them both, together, over the course of a few hours. Their arguments all fell apart. On the surface, they claim to be upset about numerous minor issues. We discussed all these issues, finding solutions, and though they would not admit it – becoming increasingly emotional as I skirted the fact – they were wrong to be upset.

They seemed unreceptive of the genuine solutions, which they agreed to – resentful, infact. Nevermind that most of their complaints were ridiculous, and their behavior childish. That behavior being irrationally aggressive; the type of aggression that, in the absence of a governmental body dictating my actions, I would severely punish.

Nevermind that all the issues [minus the utilities] were discussed in detail upon their entry interviews – and that I repeatedly checked if they were content with the situation shortly after their move-ins. Nevermind that I repeatedly and emphatically emphasized the need to discuss any issues as they occur, to solve them before anyone becomes upset. Nevermind that I overlooked signs of future contention, out of sympathy for their needs, and approved their move-ins. Nevermind that I repair their belongs whenever asked. Nevermind that I watched one of their dogs, regularly for a month or so, for free. No good deed goes unpunished.

While I had no issue agreeing to reasonable complaints, they nevertheless repeatedly backed their issues with threat of forcing me out of the houseshare. To clarify: this entire problem came from absolutely no where. If I stay, I’ll have to be paying a larger percentage of the utilities, and apparently back-paying a month of their utilities, which is fair given that I use more energy in cooking. Though I’ll of course have to go over the numbers. I previously counter-balanced that discrepancy by doing the cleaning around the house, especially the bathroom – which they simply don’t clean. Oh, and I recently spent ten to twenty hours taking care of the property – saving them money.

As a testament to my metacognitive progress, I’m not – at least currently – horribly upset, demotivated, and thrown back into depression. Nor am I overcome with anger. Infact, I’m kind of laughing about it; these fine gentlemen have the distinct pride of serving as excellent examples for many of my perspectives on human nature. And on the bright side, what great subject material for the blog! You just have to love people. In seriousness, I do expect some emotional turmoil, requiring meditation to deal with.

As for what I’m going to do about the situation, that’s up in the air. Aside from meeting their reasonable complaints, there’s a far larger issue: they simply hate me – for the usual reasons. In all fairness, like most people, they’re afraid of me. So its understandable that they might feel it difficult to have discussed issues with me. I didn’t discourage it in the slightest, but that’s just what fear does to people.

But the point is: will they take my responses productively? Will they let go of the vindictiveness, generated by feelings of inadequacy in my presence, that seemed to truly motivate their complaints? Don’t know. Seems unlikely, as I’ve tactfully laid out the evidence of them being foolish. And how will the landlord respond, whom has gotten along well with me, though may share vindictiveness? Who knows. They told me that the landlord said I wasn’t “in charge” of the house. Yet, he specifically and repeatedly, told me to keep tabs on them.

Either way, though this situation is certainly problematic, I’ve learned that becoming hurt over these arguable betrayals isn’t productive. And I’ve developed the ability to prevent myself from overtly becoming so. Anyone who would behave thusly – if my perspectives of their insanity are indeed correct – isn’t worth measuring my integrity by.

It’s funny: in the back of my mind, since the metacog has finally started progressing seriously, I kept brushing off the nagging suspicion that life would fuck me again – especially immediately. If there is some cosmic force harassing me, I’m slightly curious how heavy-handed it could be in that persecution, before it’s influence was evident. But I’m not taking the idea seriously, so don’t hold your breath if waiting on an exciting and mad breakdown on my part.

Or maybe I’m just a megalomaniac. Find out, on the next exciting episode of Fuck My Life!


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~ by Louis Naughtic on June 30, 2017.

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