Hedgehog’s Dilemma [Journal 7-3-17]

Adele – Hello.

Alright. So, since my productive conversation with my honored roomies, I have backslid on the metacog front. This is due to two factors. First and foremost: the timing of the problem brings back my emotional issues related to getting regularly fucked by life for no valid reason; it’s resurging the depression, but relatively lightly. Second, I’ve had to plan out all the arguments I’m going to present to the landlord, and the aforementioned morons, once he shows up within a day or two. I tried to let it go, but I couldn’t. But its a big problem anyway.

My arguments are pretty fucking water tight. But, unlike the arguments of my roomies – whom deserve to be respected and treated as equals – my arguments are based entirely on truth, and almost entirely on the desire to simply get along. Almost. If I’m being honest, I’d put them in the ground, and send a bill to the government for doing their work for them.

Sorry, I know that’s an unpleasant concept to process. But there are atrocities going on right now, all over the world, carried out to allow you blissful ignorance in a carefree life – and the option to complain about people being impolite to you. “Those who abjure violence can do so only because others are committing violence on their behalf.” – George Orwell.

You might think it wouldn’t take a couple days to make an argument built exclusively on the truth – and you’d be right. A good amount of time was just spent remembering all this bullshit they’re complaining about; I don’t usually think about it. But the real trick, which takes the most time, is developing a method of presenting these arguments which keeps these worthless animals calm, to demotivate their aggression-driven irrationality. More importantly, and requiring more development, is giving them an avenue of self-deception to follow, wherein they can save face, once I prove they’re both wrong and idiots.

I’m basically brainwashing them to comfortably accept when they’re wrong, to that they stop making completely unnecessary problems, and shut their savage mouths. That’s how shit these people are. Or, as previously stated, encourage them to become better people. Or drive them deeper into the self-destructive insanity they deserve. I expect the first possibility.

I’m hoping one of them gets violent, so that they get kicked out, but I’m not going to encourage it. I enjoy beating people fairly, even as they cheat. Doing so also has the advantage of sending a message: if I feel like cheating, they’re exactly as fucked as I want them to be. For, if I can beat them fairly, while they cheat, that proves how much stronger I am. I have to admit, I feel a distinct satisfaction when managing savages; its like solving the worst of problems – or cleaning a really gross toilet. 

But ontop of all that, I have to prepare a variety of possible methods to manage the landlord, whom though usually pretty cool, is a placater – and, of course, gets more money from the two of them than from me alone. I think there’s a good chance he’ll be cool about this, and figure out what’s actually going on, as I patiently dismantle their attempts at reasoning.

But if life’s taught me anything, it’s that people whom lack high degrees of maturity, intelligence, and sanity, are apt to do anything. And that “anything” often involves trying to shit on the person whom, by merely being an exemplar, mirrors their own faults at them. Legally though, unless the scumbags start lying, I haven’t done anything even remotely considered grounds for eviction. But savages don’t obey laws, and can’t understand honor.

All that aside, my backsliding hasn’t been severe. I’m not depressed again. I can feel it stirring, trying to take hold again, but I’ve kept it in check, and am gaining control of it. The symptoms are mostly the same as depression, when it does occur. Physical pain, emotional and mental demotivation and confusion. No kidney pain though, even though I’ve been smoking more. The problems aren’t bad, but I’ve decided to, somewhat shamefully, not look for work while dealing with these issues. Again, I tried to ignore the problem and go deal with work, but had a mental compulsion to solve the issue. Which may be good, or bad. 

Though yesterday, I did put together packets of letters of reference, and updated my resume. This became an amusing process, as my fucking printer/scanner – usually a reliable monster – stopped printing black. Took me an hour or two to fix that fucking problem. And of course, I did it with allot less tools than the cock suckers who had guides. They wanted a syringe, a specially sized tube, special cleaning solution; I used a fucking needle and a paper towel. They should be ashamed of themselves. They used gloves too lol. Pussies.

To address the massive gap in work history, on my resume, I stated on there that “I’ve been living off savings, while trying to be a professional writer.” As much as I’d rather say: “I’ve been severely depressed because someone I intensely loved left me, and I realized most people are garbage,” I don’t think it would play out well. The owner of the shelter knows about the ruse, and is playing along, so that should help – oh, she’s my most recent letter of reference, and contact.

On the plus side, amidst all this stupidity, I’ve been crying allot in these last few days. When reading my letters of reference, and seeing kind words from people who weren’t complete trash – whom appreciated and respected me highly. Watching the last episodes of House. Thinking about all the other completely unjustifiable betrayals throughout my life, and how there’s nothing I can really do to stop it. Other shit I don’t remember. I’ve been crying allot, which to me, is much better than becoming depressed, which results in physical pain and mental instability. Mostly, when I cry, it’s because I see a better possibility.

And one last thing: if I don’t come back, its because one of these idiots killed me for pointing out they were wrong – which I’m going to have to do again, infront of the house owner. Its likely to be the guy who probably carries a gun, and seems to certifiably have ASPD [sociopathy]. All I want out of life, is to not be surrounded by aggressive psychos and idiots. Is that so much to ask?


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~ by Louis Naughtic on July 3, 2017.

2 Responses to “Hedgehog’s Dilemma [Journal 7-3-17]”

  1. It’s a weird feeling when you realize that getting that perfect job you are at the interview of hinges on your ability to account for those unaccounted for two and a half days in the autumn of 2013… And everything was running so smoothly right up to that moment… But professional writer… I like that… ever watch that movie… The Words..?

  2. I have not watched that movie infact. But what you said reminds me of that scene in Sin City. “And everything was going so well.” I always laughed me ass off at the “Just look at the size of that trunk” line.

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