Let’s **** This Pig! [Journal 7-20-17]

Katy Perry – E. T.

So I found a place. Well, two. One is my preferred, the other is the backup. The preferred is run by a woman who lives in the home, which I don’t mind as she seems my type of person – and could be beneficial if she keep tenants inline. That home is a little more than what I pay now. The only issue is that she seems like she might vacillate on whether or not she wants me there. I think its solid, but we’ll find out within a week: if it comes through, I’ll be moved by then. If it does, I think it might be great, though I’m not sure.

The other is just normal houseshares, with allot of perpetual bachelors whom seem to be slightly better than the types that have given me trouble in recent years – but the managers seem to keep a much tighter hold on their behaviors. So, its a decent backup. But the kitchens are messy piles typical of perpetual bachelors. And one of the two houses available – the one I assume the landlord will put me into – only has two fucking bathroom for eight people. Gross.

Other than that to report, I suppose.. I don’t have much else to say. I’ve been smoking 3-4 cigarettes a day. I’m not depressed, though it’s still in the background, and will likely return if I get slammed by bad luck before I can properly heal. But, if my job continues to be fine, if I move and things are fine, I think I can finally eliminate it and push my metacog to seal up all the problems and rise like a fucking pheonix – straight up god’s asshole.

I suppose something interesting to talk about is how I felt waking up this morning. My mind was racing, in a bad way. Nothing dangerous, I was just in “go mode,” wherein my mind is simply too active for me to physically relax – which I desperately needed. This is undoubtedly due to the seven days of physically and mentally demanding labor, after a year of basically doing nothing. It had a serious impact.

Thinking about it, this morning, I considered the implications. Is this an very minor version, perhaps the opening stages, of how PTSD occurs? I can only imagine being stuck in a warzone, constantly being under extreme physical and mental stresses, for months, which constantly push you past your limit. Not to compare my situation directly to that, but it seemed to give insight into the nature of that mental condition.

I’ve pushed my body hard, by always standing, and constantly moving quickly and forcefully, aswellas hauling allot weight around. I’m pushing my mind by learning allot about the new job, including the nature of the social environment – there’s at least seven people in the kitchen at any given time. And keep in mind that I’ve been exclusively trained by guys whom functionally don’t speak English. And all that while worrying about whether or not Cunt One and Cunt Two will fucking murder me.

But, I’m basically fine, mentally and physically. I’m feeling like my old self, with the exception that I now always keep in mind that everyone around me is probably a self-centered moron – or worse. Things are looking up. What will happen in the next week? I don’t know. But I’m excited to move on with my life. To be done with depression. To work again. To write. To possibly crush pussy if I ever find a sane woman.


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~ by Louis Naughtic on August 3, 2017.

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