The Infinite Nightmare; My Life. [Journal 8-27-17]

Tom Waits – Tom Traubert’s Blues.

This is it, this is my life. Constantly enduring imbeciles and lunatics, hoping against reason to find one sane person – or at least one whom can accept our disparity – as old-age approaches. Shit. In truth, while I still make an effort to find someone, it’s only a joyless routine that reinforces my suspicions of impossibility. I suppose, what really drives me, is the prospect of proving myself, and leaving a legacy to another genius.

I worry of that motivation being empty-headed pride, or anger. Why should I feel compelled to prove myself to the masses, whom reflexively rationalize without the slightest thought? Well, I just feel filthy acting like they do; I can’t tolerate the idea of worsening the world; so, invariably, I do better. At work today, for example, the kid who “trained” me was fired. Thus, I had to take over dishes.

I actually like doing them, as I can zone out and be left alone, despite working at high-speed. American Sous, who’s been giving me shit from the start, was apologetic about putting me there. I laughed, saying I didn’t mind. Later in the night, he thanked me. Then a few moments later he cuntily said that I’d forgotten to do something yesterday, which I’ve never forgotten once – I guess he just wasn’t comfortable with the idea of being appreciative. What a worthless person.

An interesting side note: The guy who’s actual fault it was happened to be standing next to us, and apologized to American Sous. He’s the kid I trained, and he’s always come across as a sociopath to me. Thus, the apology is odd. But then, I always volunteer to take the blame when I give him an instruction that might get him in trouble, or when someone gets pissed when he does something I told him to. Who knows with their kind.

That aside, another benefit of doing the dishes, is making the rest of the workers feel weak. You read that right; I enjoy making these people feel weak. Not because I want to feel superior, but because they are weak, and they should be ashamed; they should want to be better. And keep in mind that I include immorality in the definition of weakness.

So, accomplishing this through doing some dishes is actually pretty simple: I do them furiously. It sounds stupid, but that’s what I do. Keep in mind that this place can seat 300 people, and is regularly busy – even 500, if they open up the area for special events. And there’s only one dishwasher. So I’m always busy.

Now, the kitchen crew, they can look over and see me any time, so they know I’m back there fucking the shit out of those dishes. But the fucking servers, those fucking sociopaths are out front. Now, it’s their job to bring me dishes. But if they don’t, well, I’m standing around with my dick in my hand. So, I go out and get dishes. And I do it quickly, despite the weight of those dishes. They heavy.

I leave the kitchen, and am immediately in the area where the servers pick up finished food. Most of the time, they’re just standing there chatting – because being paid far more than me, to work as third as much, definitely earns that. Fucking sociopaths. [I bet every single one of them is an ardent SJW/feminist] Nearly every single fucking time I go out there, I have to politely, and loudly, get them the fuck out of my way – because their conversations are so important.

Again, I’m doing their job at this point. And they’re watching me do it. As they chat, and get in my way. American Sous sees this, and does nothing. One of these fucking morons had the balls to – in a cunty tone – tell me it would “be more efficient” if I used the cart. To do their job. While they stand around. Being paid way more than me. How shitty of a person can you be?

To that moron’s credit, he got me dishes later, and did a sideways apology. Someone asked him what he was doing, and he replied something in the line of: “Running dishes because the rest of them are lazy assholes.” Why did he have this change of heart? Because I’m in the right, obviously. Why was he cunty in the first place? Because I’m in the right, obviously: people don’t like being proven to be shit. Oh, and the kitchen crew played with their fucking phones when they could have been helping me – even though they knew the guy who was supposed to support me wasn’t there.

But so, thanks to that year off while wallowing in heartache and depression, I can tolerate this situation. I simply accept it. This is just how the world works. Nothing I can do about it, and I don’t have the resources to meaningfully change my circumstances. Thus relatively emotionally satisfied, my mind is going into routine analysis and problem solving.

I’m starting to understand idiocy and lunacy in more than just concept. Hopefully, I’ll learn enough to have meaningful control over idiots in the future. Just so they leave me the hell alone. Funny. What a joke my life is. The worst part of the whole thing, is actually understanding them. I look, and I think: “gross.” I look at people – almost everyone – and am repulsed. I’m not very comfortable with that. I see the good too, but it so rarely excuses the bad.

So I started thinking about it more, trying to figure the whole thought process out. Used to be, I imagined people were sane, intelligent, and moral; now, far from it. And in seeing them thus, I see the chaos and disorder they produce – which of course leads to people suffering. Let’s say, for example, that Americans collectively got their shit together, stopped wasting money, and invested in some research that globally improved quality of life – or at least of their own people.

That’s a possibility. That could easily happen. If people weren’t such shit. Same goes for war. Crime. Everything, really. But people are shit. So, I don’t see bad people as some poor, lost souls who just need help. I see them as that, aswellas vectors for suffering. Their weakness most often leads them to harm others, either through direct immoral action, or through their lack of contribution.

Accordingly, I weigh the factors when measuring a person. Your average American, for example, only has their own insentience to blame for their selfishness. Like an animal. Animals do what they’re instinctively driven to do. They’re – in alot of ways – like inanimate objects: they simply follow the script assigned to them by chance; a rock, for example, follows the laws of physics; an insentient person or animals, follows the laws of psychology. A rock, and the insentient, are unable to self-alter, self-improve; unable to look at themselves and change for the better – to meaningful degrees.

What I’m driving at is: I’ve come to the uncomfortable realization that I probably wouldn’t mind if a vast majority of humanity didn’t exist. For the simple reason that they are, on the scales, a net-lose to humanity’s quality of life. I don’t want anyone to suffer, just like I don’t want animals to suffer. But, unlike animals, most people are detrimental to their surroundings – and I’m not talking about the fucking environment.

I’ve been flirting with the idea for years, but I think I’m starting to genuinely believe it now – that it would actually be gargantuanly productive. Guess I get to add that to the list of “reasons I’ll never find love.” Great. You better appreciate this, future genii.

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~ by Louis Naughtic on August 28, 2017.

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